No one wants to fight with their partner, but alas, even the best relationships involve conflict from time to time. It’s how you repair afterward that really counts. If your arguments always escalate or never lead to change, it’s even more frustrating to go through the fight and then just…keep living with the problem anyway. So, we asked a slew of therapists for their best advice on how to handle fights with your person calmly, productively, and kindly.
“The thing is, when we’re married or in a long term relationship, we take our partner for granted. We wind up fighting like we don’t respect them, or even ourselves. The crazy thing is, most of us would never speak like that with a new friend, so why do we bring that energy to the most important relationship we have?” says Alyson Curtis, LMHC, a NYC-based therapist.
Ugh, so true, unfortunately. So, without further ado, here are eight therapist-approved ways to argue with your spouse that get to the heart of the matter so you can move on together.
1. Start the conversation off with a mission statement.
I say it that way to be cheeky, but the experts stand by it. “A good opener is acknowledging that you both want the same thing: unity. For example, ‘I know we both want to solve this. What do you think we can do differently moving forward?’ Conflict can be a great opportunity for growth, if approached that way,” says Christina Muller, LCSW.
2. Listen to understand, not to respond.
In other words, practice active listening. “Many times people will be thinking of their responses in their head rather than focusing on what the other person is trying to say. The practice of active listening can look like letting your partner finish speaking and asking if they are done before you respond. It also sounds like repeating back what you heard and asking if you missed anything important that they said,” says Katie Luman, a psychotherapist in Marietta, Georgia.
3. Schedule your arguments.
Chances are you don’t want to hash things out in front of your kids, and maybe you know bringing up a hard topic at the end of a long work day never ends well either. “Have an open conversation about when both you and your partner will feel emotionally safe and also capable of giving the emotional energy to the conversation it deserves. Say, ‘I need to discuss X with you, when is a good time for us to do this?’” Luman advises.
Or, more realistically, if an argument arises at a time you know you can’t show up as your best self, ask to talk later. “Arguing when you are exhausted, hungry, or busy won’t solve any issues,” says Pat Bathurst, LMFT. “If your partner brings something up and you are too tired, hungry, or busy, say to them, ‘I want to discuss this. It’s important. But can we talk about it later tonight?’”
You could also do something that feels super counterintuitive — bring up an issue when everyone is in a great mood. “It is helpful to have conversations about the points of tension when both partners are feeling grounded and calm. Some may not want to talk about a challenging topic when things are going well, but that is actually the time when you are most likely to have a dialogue in which both parties can be heard,” says Trish Sanders, LCSW, a relationship therapist based in New Jersey.
One final option: set up a weekly household admin hour. Not only does it help you knock out mental load-type tasks together — potentially heading off some future arguments if that’s a sore spot for you two — but both parties come to that time slot calm and ready to problem-solve. “What’s great about this is, both of you can feel contained during the week knowing that there is a set time to discuss touchy subjects. That in and of itself sets you up for better success than ‘drive-by’ discussions, which usually leave the other party feeling caught off guard,” Curtis says.
4. Listen for the need behind the complaint.
“Most fights are protests for closeness,” says couples therapist Thomas Westenholz. (OK, mic drop.) “‘You never help me with the kids’ might actually mean ‘I feel alone and overwhelmed.’ Ask yourself or your partner, ‘What are you needing right now: support, appreciation, reassurance?’ That’s where true resolution starts.”
Similarly, remembering that your partner isn’t just sharing their beef with you but trying to tell you something important — that matters. It’s easier to remain receptive and kind this way. “Know that under each argument, there are at least two different hidden messages within the dispute. Each partner is trying, unsuccessfully, to share very important information with the other about their needs. It is no easy task to maintain composure during an argument, especially one you’ve had time and time again. However, knowing that your partner is trying to communicate something meaningful can help one keep an open heart and mind in their approach.”
5. Watch your wording.
“Avoid using absolutes like, ‘I always’ or ‘you never.’ This only drives up defenses and usually isn’t factual anyway,” says Luman. “Use ‘I’ statements and be specific. For example, ‘I feel irritated about the dishes regularly being left unwashed because we had previously agreed that you could be in charge of this chore.’”
6. Snuff out the sparks.
Don’t wait for things to get super heated. When you see signs that the argument is escalating, take a breather. “Watch for early signs like sharp tones, interrupting, or shutting down. When those start to show up, take a pause and don’t stew over it. Research shows it takes about 20 minutes for your body to regulate after a spike in stress. Return ready to either continue the conversation or set a time to revisit it within a day,” says Lydia Filazzola, LMFT, a Raleigh-based marriage therapist.
7. Describe your actual feelings.
Many of us are guilty of thinking we’re describing how our partner made us feel, but we’re actually sharing a thought or a belief about what they did, Luman explains. “I feel like you aren’t listening” or “I feel like you disrespected me” are, in fact, not feelings. Your feelings are not up for debate, but it’s easy to get side-tracked from them (and they’re what really matters) when you can go back and forth for ages about what counts as being disrespectful.
“A more accurate statement would be ‘I feel unimportant or ignored when I am trying to talk to you and you continue scrolling on your phone.’ Or, ‘I feel disrespected and belittled by the tone of voice you used with me in our conversation earlier.’”
8. Get a therapist.
Seems obvious, but it should be said anyway. If you’ve revisited the same fight time and again, believe you’ve communicated clearly and honestly, agreed on what to fix, and still aren’t seeing change, it’s probably time to call in a third party, Luman says. There’s absolutely zero shame in getting an outside perspective to figure out where you’re going wrong.
