It’s a common sitcom argument and stereotype for a reason — mom stays home with young kids, dad gets to go out and socialize with friends at the bar. In this age of parenting, where dads are expected to be as fully invested as moms when it comes to raising kids, it feels like an archaic thing to complain about. But one mom on Reddit had to ask: how often does your spouse go to the bar? What’s normal and what’s inappropriate?
And the answers were… varied.
The original poster (OP) took to the subreddit r/Mommit to ask fellow subscribers, “How often does your spouse go to the bar?”
She kept it short and sweet, adding, “Especially for folks who have babies or toddlers at home, I’m struggling to know what is reasonable to expect from a spouse.”
And nearly 600 comments later, it’s obvious there’s no exact answer.
Almost immediately, commenters chimed in with a lot of resounding “Never” and “basically never” answers. Some joked that they don’t even understand how other parents even want to go to the bar — let alone have the time. Others suggested that “going to the bar” is a thing you only do in your pre-kid life and that everything’s totally different now.
Honestly, I’m not so sure these answers are helpful.
Because there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It’s not really about a spouse going to the bar, it’s about the fairness of work at home, it’s about how they act when they come home from the bar, and it’s about making sure both you and your spouse are getting some time to feel like yourself again. There’s nothing inherently wrong with going to a bar on your own or meeting up with friends, as long as there’s some equal experience for you, too.
“My husband has one night a week as personal time (I get something similar),” read one comment. “He doesn’t go to the bar and instead chooses to play board games with his buddies, but it would be fine if he did the bar instead, as long as he wasn’t coming home piss drunk/so hung over that was not functional in his household, parenting, and husband duties by the morning.”
“Honestly this is one of the biggest fights in our house,” said another. “i have a toddler and a 4 month old and my husband still goes out with his mates maybe once a week, sometimes more. and every single time i want to scream because when does HE think i get to go out? never. thats when. i think once or twice a month is reasonable when you have young kids at home but it needs to be EQUAL.”
“We get one evening off each a week to do what we want with. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old,” shared a commenter.
It truly is about balance and making sure everyone is heard. A full-out “never” makes it sound like there’s something wrong with a spouse going to the bar without you. The commenters who shared that they only go to bars “if it’s date night” makes it sound like it’s only an OK activity if it’s a joint effort. And the “oh that’s our pre-kid life” opinions just make me sad — there’s nothing wrong with finding time in your life as a parent to do things that you once did before you had kids. It’s healthy and it’s freeing and it can be really important for your own mental wellbeing.
Yes, even if that thing is meeting up with friends for an expensive drink at the bar. Sometimes you just don’t want to drink on your couch surrounded by toys.
You can read the entire thread on Mommit.
