Everyone knows that communication is key in a relationship. You have to ask for what you want and need, and you have to tell your partner how something makes you feel. But knowing that doesn’t mean communicating is always easy — even in the healthiest of relationships — and sometimes trying to get what you want can come across as “dry begging.”
Yes, this is another relationship term, but honestly, we all need to know this one… especially those of us who might be doing this without realizing.
What is “dry begging”?
“‘Dry begging’ is a covert, manipulative tool of control that anyone can use,” says Melissa Kester, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s a way of making requests without being wrong or risking rejection. The individual may drop hints and speak in ways that compel the listener to meet, reassure, or offer assistance.”
Think of your partner saying to you, “Gosh, I’m just so exhausted, I really can’t handle cleaning up the kitchen tonight, even though it’s my turn. I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up to it magically clean.”
If you then feel compelled to say, “It’s OK, I don’t mind cleaning it up for you,” then there it is — your partner was “dry begging.”
The problem with “dry begging” is that it would be much better for everyone if your partner simply asked you to handle the kitchen because they’re so tired. Then you know exactly what they need and want, and you can offer a solution without being “tricked” into it. There can also be issues with larger, more consuming requests asked like this. If you find yourself the next day feeling resentful about giving your partner something that they “dry begged” for, your partner then has the opportunity to turn it on you and say, “Well, you offered. I didn’t ask. That’s on you.”
And then we have gaslighting.
Does “dry begging” mean your partner is a narcissist?
While this is manipulative behavior, Kester is clear — “dry begging” doesn’t always require malintent, nor does it mean your partner has some missing diagnosis. “Although this tactic is employed by both grandiose and covert narcissists, usually the latter, people learn to use this language from family and relational history,” Kester says. “This may have been the way they learned to ask for their needs to be met without risking rejection, judgment, or shame.”
When Kester says this, it immediately clicks in my head that I have absolutely “dry begged” my husband. Instead of asking him, “Hey, do you mind picking the kids up from school?” I’ve absolutely done the heavy sigh and the “Oh, there’s not enough time in the day, I need to finish this project, but it’s almost school pick-up time.” Because my husband is a good partner who pulls his weight, he can hear this and offer a solution. But why didn’t I just ask him outright?
I don’t have an answer for that, and I’m sure it’s mixed into the stuff we all carry from relationship to relationship without realizing. Fear of rejection, fear that my husband will say no and I’ll feel resentful — and maybe my own brain is so overwhelmed it hasn’t thought to just ask. Instead, I’m just spiraling and he comes to help.
How To Tell If Your Partner Is A Narcissist & “Dry Begging”
“For those who are worried about narcissism, it is important to look for a series of signs,” says Kester. “Narcissism is a series of defense mechanisms that leads us to believe that, whatever problems we are facing, we didn’t cause them. It is always someone else’s fault.”
She says the first question to ask is if your partner is reachable. “Do they hear you? Do they make change — honest change, dedicated change? That does not mean they are going to nail it every time, but are they willing to take it in, reflect, and make a real effort?” If the answer is yes, Kester says they have this ability, and you can watch it show up in your relationship. From there, the next step is to identify boundaries and limits to help with “dry begging.”
How To Talk To Your Partner About Dry Begging In Your Relationship
“If you think your partner is dry-begging, I want my clients to fearlessly name what they are hearing,” Kester says. “Ask, ‘Are you asking me to do this?’ or ‘Is this something you need from me?’ Give them back the language you are hearing. If they say no, then give your honest answer. If they say yes, give your honest answer. Do not feel pressure to provide if they do not have the awareness themselves.”
As I realized myself, Kester says some people don’t know that they are unconsciously asking for things. By naming it, you can bring it into their awareness. “That does not just protect us; it can protect the relationship. While it is not your job to bring someone else’s unconscious behavior into awareness for them, it is your job to protect yourself from their unconscious acting out, or from the story that gets created inside of you in response to it,” she says. If you find yourself feeling resentful of your partner’s “dry begging” or frustrated that they won’t just ask you for what they need, it’s now something you need to fix.
“It can feel like a burden when someone hears repetitive ‘dry begging.’ The receiver can begin to feel resentful, angry, taken advantage of, or even abused,” Kester says. “And when I talk to people who use this technique, a lot of it is incredibly unconscious. The big difference is whether people make a change once it is named, or whether they choose not to.”
Even when done unconsciously, “dry begging” can lead to the end of a relationship. “It can also lead to estrangement, resentment, and a growing sense that one person is being controlled through implication rather than direct communication,” Kester adds.
So simply bring it up. She recommends talking about what’s in your head and how you feel with your partner so that you are then the agent of change. “If we see no change, it is not because you didn’t try; it’s because, in relationships, certain areas require two people to change, not just you.”
