I had sex with a multitude of men this week: a poet’s soul who’s never found true love, my son’s school dean, a masseuse, a college frat boy, and… Francisco. But before you think I really get around, I should confess — they were all my husband. And no, I’m not secretly living a quadruple life.
Around two years ago, my husband of 15 years and I stopped having sex very often as ourselves and started role-playing instead. Now, almost every time we get frisky, one of us starts a scenario and the other just runs with it.
Sometimes it’s ridiculous enough that we both end up laughing halfway through. Other times, it’s surprisingly hot, like when we explored what would’ve happened if we’d gotten together the first night we met instead of 18 months later.
At first, neither of us fully realized we’d fallen into this pattern until I pointed it out a few months ago.
“Do you think it’s bad we never really have sex as ourselves anymore?” I asked one night while we were getting ready for bed.
My husband, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, shrugged before spitting into the sink.
“No,” he said. “I think we just like it this way.”
Even with his reassurance, I couldn’t help wondering if constant role-playing means we’re bored with each other. So, I turned to sex and relationship experts to find out.
How common is role play in long-term relationships?
There are barely any studies showing how common role-play is in relationships, but Noelle Benach, a professional counselor and sex therapist, says that in her practice it’s “definitely not uncommon.”
And while we might assume it’s about being “someone else,” Benach says it’s really about creating “novelty, emotional intensity, permission, playfulness, or exploration within a familiar relationship.”
Does role-playing ever mean there are underlying relational issues, like boredom or avoidance?
Wanting to role-play doesn’t necessarily mean we want to escape our lives, reassures Benach. She equates it to the same desire we have to watch a show, read a book, or play a game — these are just outlets that give us a temporary escape from “expectations, responsibilities, or identities.”
Melanie Eichhorn, a sexologist for Satisfyer North America, added that role play often actually shows that partners feel safe enough with each other to explore fantasies. Some couples also just enjoy variety, she points out, and imagination is part of their “erotic dynamic.” When it’s consensual, she says, role playing may even strengthen intimacy, creating a sense of “we’re in this together.”
But if it’s the only way to feel aroused or avoid relational issues, then Eichorn warns there might be a problem. The big question couples should ask themselves, she says: Does it feel exciting and connecting, or like a requirement?
How can someone tell if they’re role-playing to spice things up versus to mask boredom?
In early relationships, couples experience that “intense, all-consuming phase of attraction,” says Benach, which can make everything feel electric. But relationships mature. Sex becomes safe and familiar, and couples have to get more creative to keep the spark alive.
“Our brains are wired to seek novelty, which can feel like a tall order in a long-term relationship. Role play offers couples the opportunity to try new things, while still honoring the boundaries of their relationship,” says Benach.
Pay attention to how you feel before, during, and after role-playing, Eichhorn says. Do you feel energized? More connected and attracted to each other? Then you’re probably all good. But she says if you’re drained or feeling emotionally distant, that might be a true sign of boredom.
Any advice for couples who want to explore role-play but feel awkward starting the conversation?
If you want to explore role-play, fantastic! But don’t worry if it’s awkward at first — totally normal, both experts say.
Before starting anything, Benach advises talking about boundaries, desires, limits, and comfort levels. “Everyone involved should feel free to opt in, pause, renegotiate, or stop entirely,” she says, “without fear of punishment or coercion.”
After talking to both experts, I realized my partner and I are just trying to keep the novelty alive. And the best way we do that is to pretend we aren’t two exhausted parents in survival mode but poets, masseuses, and young lovers.
