As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found myself becoming more of an early sleeper and early riser. Going to bed past 11 p.m. is something I genuinely have anxiety over. But then I started dating someone, and suddenly my schedule is all out of whack. We typically don’t go to bed until well after midnight, especially if we want to have sex. That’s just how our schedules are syncing, or, more accurately, not syncing, these days.
If you’re an early bird like me, you might find it difficult, maybe even a little annoying, when your partner is a night owl. When you’re not hitting the pillow at the same time, it can also make finding time for intimacy a little more complicated. There are plenty of reasons couples might have different bedtimes: shift work, parenting responsibilities, or simply the fact that one person likes to do their doomscrolling late at night while the other is ready for bed by 10 p.m.
So, does having different bedtimes actually affect your relationship? According to Todd Baratz, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and resident expert for #LubeLife, it’s actually pretty common. “People have different careers, parenting responsibilities, routines, and health conditions that lead to different bedtimes,” he says.
But the different schedules themselves aren’t necessarily the problem. “The problem often isn’t the mismatch, but whether a couple treats it as an issue to navigate together or sweeps it under the rug, which can gradually create emotional distance,” Baratz explains. “The success of a relationship isn’t defined by whether you and your partner have identical schedules, but rather by how you find ways to consistently show up and remain emotionally available to one another.”
So, the good news is, you don’t necessarily need to start going to bed at the same time. But if your schedules are completely out of sync, it might be worth figuring out how to make sure you’re still getting enough time together, including time for sex.
Not having the same bedtime can present some challenges.
While couples don’t necessarily need to have the same bedtime, having different schedules can definitely affect a relationship.
“Couples that don’t go to bed at the same time may lose the opportunity to connect (if they are not intentional about saving time for one another at other times during the day),” says Marisa Cohen, LMFT, CST. “It’s important that partners have a chance to talk about their days, share what’s on their mind, and physically connect. This may happen more naturally when people go to bed together, but it does not automatically mean that the absence of the same bedtime will remove these opportunities entirely.”
Baratz says couples can sometimes focus too much on one specific difference — like different sleep schedules — and lose sight of the bigger picture.
“Couples who are vulnerable with each other are generally more connected and better able to navigate their differences,” he says. “The differences still exist, but they become problems to solve together rather than evidence that they’re incompatible.”
But when couples are already disconnected, different schedules can add to the problem. “Couples who are disconnected, resentful, or emotionally distant often use those same differences as another piece of evidence that something is wrong,” Baratz says. “The sleep schedules aren’t really the problem. They become another file added to the growing folder of disconnection.”
That’s why, Baratz says, the better question isn’t whether a relationship can survive different sleep schedules, but “What is the quality of the relationship surrounding this difference?”
“A healthy relationship can tolerate many differences,” he says. “A disconnected relationship will struggle with almost all of them.”
But having different bedtimes doesn’t always mean less intimacy.
I’ll admit that when I started dating someone with a very different bedtime, I worried I’d be missing out on opportunities to connect with my new partner. If we weren’t going to bed together, wouldn’t that feel weird?
A major misconception between couples, says Cohen, is that bedtime is the only opportunity couples have for connection.
“Intimacy, both physical and emotional, can happen at any time throughout the day,” she says. “This can take the form of physical connection/affectionate touch or engaging in a shared activity or conversation. If you find that your relationship is lacking intimacy, it’s important to investigate the underlying cause and not automatically assume that it’s due to your bedtimes.”
Baratz agrees. “Different bedtimes don’t create disconnection on their own; neglecting the relationship does, and couples often confuse one for the other,” he says. He also points out that simply being in bed at the same time doesn’t necessarily mean you’re connecting. “There are plenty of couples that go to sleep at the same time every night, but still feel lonely because they’re scrolling on their phone rather than interacting.”
Meanwhile, couples with opposite schedules can still have a deeply satisfying relationship when they’re intentional about connecting. “The main misconception is that the most important thing is when you’re together as opposed to how you’re together,” Baratz says.
You can navigate different bedtimes and still have time for sex.
So how do you deal with different bedtime schedules and make sure you’re still having sex with your partner?
Cohen says it starts with having a conversation. “Have a conversation with your partner to find out when the best time to connect may be so that the two of you are on the same page,” she says.
That might mean carving out time for each other instead of waiting for intimacy to happen spontaneously. “It doesn’t need to be spontaneous to be enjoyable. Planned connection can be really rewarding,” Cohen explains. And intimacy is not just about sex either. She suggests creating little rituals of connection throughout the day, whether that’s prepping meals together, taking a walk, or simply sitting on the couch and cuddling while you talk.
Baratz agrees that couples need to be intentional, especially when their schedules don’t leave much room for spontaneity. “Intimacy will rarely ‘just happen’ for adults with busy lives,” he says. That might mean scheduling sex, sharing a morning coffee or breakfast, taking a post-dinner walk, or spending 20 minutes talking without screens. “These rituals are a safe space; they replace the intimate moments before bed by providing protected time where both partners are emotionally present.”
And if you feel like you have to go to bed at the same time to feel connected, Baratz says that’s worth examining, too. “Bed is where we sleep. We are literally unconscious. If falling asleep at the exact same time feels essential, it’s worth asking why. That need may point to something much deeper than a difference in sleep preferences.”
