Does anyone else’s kid come home from school pretty much daily talking about something another student did to them, only to find out they never told the teacher? Look, I’m not suggesting we should raise our kids to be tattletales; we all know teachers have more than enough on their plates, and social interactions between kids are going to go awry. Those mistakes are how they learn to be people in the world. But if you’ve noticed your child really struggles to bring up issues that matter with their teacher, well, it’s for good reason. Here’s why it happens and how you can help.
As adults, we struggle to ask for help when we need it — there are all these pressures and fears about how we’ll be perceived. It’s actually no different for kids, according to Dr. Missy Kleinz, licensed professional counselor, owner of Stardust Therapy, and creator of Big Feelings World. Especially in young kids and elementary schoolers, coming home to you and talking about little Johnny stealing their fruit snacks at lunch (but telling no one at school) is fairly common.
“At school, a child may not know whether the teacher will take their concern seriously or what will happen if they speak up. There can be social risk: Will the other child get mad? Will my friends think I’m tattling? Will speaking up make the situation worse? At home, there’s usually much more predictability.”
When another kid at school makes a mean comment to your child or pushes them out of the way, it can be really overwhelming, Kleinz explains. They’re hit with feelings of unfairness, embarrassment, sadness, and whatever else all at once.
“Sometimes the kids are so flooded in the moment where the emotion takes over and they don’t have the words yet to express what they need, or they don’t know how exactly the teacher is going to respond. Sometimes kids just need a little more time and language to figure out what’s going on and why it felt unfair. And then by the time they get home to Mom, they might have the words, they might have calmed down enough, and you’re safe. The child knows their parent and has a better idea of what will happen when they tell them something.”
“Kids do a lot during the school day and to come home and then say, ‘oh, this bad thing happened’ or ‘I had a hard time with this’ and never say it to a teacher, it’s honestly because they are so activated in their nervous systems from everyday life,” agrees Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, therapist, former school psychologist, and author of The Dysregulated Kid.
It could also be because the root of the issue is personal. Kleinz asked her 9-year-old daughter why she might tell her mom about an issue but not her teacher, and she said, for example, if someone was making fun of her for who she had a crush on. How mortifying for the teacher to know who she likes! It’s a jab she’d just rather metabolize with her mom.
So, how can we teach our children that it’s OK to speak up in the moment, and that their teachers are there to keep them safe too? The next time your child comes home and says something like, “so-and-so wouldn’t stop touching me today,” here’s your script:
“Instead of starting with ‘Why didn’t you tell your teacher?’ I’d ask, ‘What made it hard to say something when it happened?’ That answer gives us much more useful information,” says Kleinz. “Maybe the child froze, didn’t know what to say, worried they wouldn’t be believed, or wasn’t sure whether the situation was important enough to bring up. Then I like asking, ‘Do you want me to listen, help you think it through, or help you figure out what to do next?’”
You can validate what they’re feeling — “Man, I bet that felt really annoying or invasive” — before asking for more information. Why do you think they did or said that? What was going on right before that happened? This sort of conversation can help your kid learn cause and effect, begin to think about social dynamics, and also help you glean any important information.
If your kid says “Johnny told me my feet stink today,” there’s actually an unspoken “and I don’t know how to respond to that” implied there, says Capanna-Hodge. That’s your opening to subtly advise.
“What I’ve always done with my kids and for three decades with clients is say, ‘That reminds me of something else that happened.’ We call this third-party discussion. So when we remove the personalization piece, kids are much more open to absorb. So in the case of, ‘Hey, somebody said I had smelly feet,’ I would say something like, ‘You know what? That reminds me of something that happened to me. Somebody told me my feet were smelly and I didn’t know what to say. So I said, ‘Wow, don’t everybody’s feet smell?’”
If you are concerned about the behavior your child reported to you, of course it’s OK to reach out to the teacher, these experts agree. This is especially true if you suspect bullying, or your child doesn’t want to go to school because of another student’s behavior. Even if you just sense your child may be having difficulty navigating social situations, that’s worth asking about too.
“I find teachers to be so open to this conversation because they want to see their students be successful in all aspects of their life,” says Capanna-Hodge. “I always like to ask teachers, ‘Where does Joey fall within this classroom? Do you see his skills being typical? Do you see him as being a leader? Do you see him struggling? What can we do here because he’s clearly having a hard time?’ One of the greatest mistakes I saw parents make, they waited for things to be a crisis before they tried to partner with the teacher.”
If need be, work with them to come up with a system that makes your kid feel comfortable asking for help. Your child and the teacher could agree on a signal, Kleinz says. A blank Post-It note left on the teacher’s keyboard means your kid needs their help, for example. The teacher will check in. Your kid can get the support they need without fearing the social consequences.
The goal is not to teach your child that they should handle everything independently, Kleinz says. “It’s to help them gradually understand what they’re feeling, identify what they need, and learn to advocate for themselves with support.”
