A visit to my 85-year-old dad prompted me to move my family back to the US. I wasn’t prepared for caregiving.

• Vivian Pei left the US and spent more than 30 years building a career and starting a family abroad.
• She and her two teenage kids moved back after she realized her father needed help.
• Pei cared for him until he died last year. She’s grateful for their final years together.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Vivian Pei, an American mother of two and cofounder of Snacky Mini Mart in Iowa City. After building her career abroad for over 30 years, she moved back to the US to look after her father. Her words have been edited for length and clarity.

I spent more than 30 years living abroad. I never imagined I’d end up moving back to the US, especially to Iowa City, where I’d never lived before.

Five years ago, I visited my 85-year-old dad and was shocked by how much he’d aged.

He’d always been fiercely independent and had continued working at his restaurant in Wisconsin until just before the pandemic, but suddenly he seemed so much older. His house wasn’t in great shape, and it was clear he needed more help than he was letting on.

I’d spent decades living my own life overseas. Seeing him like that made me realize it was time to come home.

I left the US as a teenager and never looked back

I was born in San Francisco, but when I was 4, my dad moved our family to St. Louis to a Chinese restaurant. He worked incredibly hard and eventually helped his siblings move to the US. They opened restaurants of their own.

Growing up as one of the only Asian kids at my suburban school wasn’t always easy. My parents were strict, and I couldn’t wait to get out and experience the world.

I spent my senior year of college studying in Paris. It was my first trip abroad, and I loved it so much that I stayed for two years. It was the first place I truly felt happy.

From there, I worked in Tokyo, Singapore, and London, where I earned my MBA. I spent most of my career in marketing and brand strategy.

My British husband and I met in Singapore, later moved back, and spent 16 years there raising our kids.

We eventually split, but continued to co-parent our children.

Convincing my family to move wasn’t easy

After seeing my dad, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something needed to change.

By March 2022, I’d decided I needed to move back to the US with my kids. My former husband wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea, and I recognized that uprooting two teenagers from the only home they’d known was a huge decision.

We had a lot of conversations before everyone eventually agreed. Now, the kids spend every other month, and sometimes summers, with their dad.

I chose Iowa City because we had extended family there who could provide a support network.

I arrived a few months later with my two kids and 12 large suitcases. We were essentially starting over.

Caring for my dad was a whole different ballgame

My dad, who’d been divorced for some time, moved in with us two weeks after we arrived. It was the first time we’d lived together since I was 16.

Looking back, I probably should’ve given myself more time to settle before taking on his care. I was trying to help two teenagers adjust to new schools while figuring out how to buy a house, set up utilities, and navigate the American healthcare system.

Then there was my dad’s paperwork. He handed me piles of mail, financial documents, medical records, and insurance information. I had to find new doctors and organize his medications.

I also hadn’t anticipated how physically and emotionally demanding caregiving would become.

My dad came from a generation that didn’t complain. He’d insist everything was fine, even when he was experiencing pain. Getting him to tell me what was actually wrong was frustrating.

As he started to show signs of dementia, his personality changed. He became stubborn, and managing his moods was exhausting. There were also intimate aspects of caring for him, like helping with hygiene, that I’d never imagined having to do. It sometimes felt like I had a third child.

I lost part of myself in the process

Moving back was a massive culture shock.

In Singapore, I had a full social life and a professional identity. Suddenly, all of that was gone.

I was caught between caring for my children and caring for my father. I was holding everything together while losing myself. I was also going through menopause, which made it harder.

After about six months, I knew I needed something that was just for me. I started a food business with my cousin, selling Asian-inspired snacks at farmers markets. It gave me an outlet, some independence, and the flexibility I needed while caring for my dad.

I don’t regret coming home, but I’d do things differently

Last year, my dad passed away, and I’m grateful I made the move. My dad had spent his entire life providing for our family, rarely spending money on himself. Being able to cook and care for him felt like my chance to give something back. He also got to see his grandchildren every day, something he’d missed while we were living overseas.

If I could do it again, I’d take things slower. I’d settle my children first. I’d also have more open conversations with family members about sharing the workload.

I’m still living in Iowa City, although I expect to downsize once my son finishes high school.

I’ve spent most of my life searching for somewhere that feels like home. I don’t know where I’ll end up next. But I’m glad I came back when I did. I got to spend those final years with my dad, and that’s time I can never get back.