“Is that Halloween costume really appropriate for a 10-year-old?” “Well, this isn’t how I’d make a turkey, but it’s not bad.” “But we’ve always done Christmas at our house as a family!” The holidays bring families together, but if you have a rough relationship with your mother-in-law, the holidays become a breeding ground for conflict. Scary Mommy spoke with psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, author of the forthcoming book You, Your Husband & His Mother, about her three-step survival guide for getting through holiday gatherings with a problematic mother-in-law. (Spoiler: It all comes down to being “on the same team” as your partner.)
“One of the things we know is that our family members are consistent and predictable. What has happened in the past may happen again in the future, and that can help us towards the goal of being on the same team,” says Dalgleish. “It can be difficult because many men have not been taught how to balance the loyalty to their family and the loyalty to their partners. And so the goal of these three steps is really about, How do we get on the same page?”
Step 1: Anticipate
Before a visit with your MIL, discuss with your partner what matters most for this event. Tune into what’s important to you and how you want to show up, Dalgleish says. You should also identify what behaviors from your mother-in-law set you off. Is it the negging of your cooking at Thanksgiving, or trying to control the order of events around Hanukkah or Christmas?
“Based on past experiences, ask yourself, what can we expect to be the challenges we’ll face this year? How do we want to handle it? And what are we willing to tolerate and to not tolerate? What boundaries can we express and who will say them?” Dalgleish says. Anticipating all of this ahead of the gathering helps you and your partner create a united front. A game plan helps you tackle things smoothly in the moment, instead of casting around and wondering who should say what and when.
Dalgleish also recommends figuring out a way to signal connectedness and reassurance during the event. Maybe it’s eye contact across a room or a hand squeeze under the table. When your MIL says something to guilt-trip you or gives your kid candy after you already said no, it’s a signal that your partner sees you and you’re in this together.
One of the pieces that I love about this is that, depending on your answers for things, you agree with your partner on how you’re going to signal that reassurance and connectedness during that event.
Step 2: Address
As part of your anticipation of your MIL’s behavior, you’ll figure out who will address it in the moment and how. You want to be responsive instead of reactive, Dalgleish says, which can lead to harsh words or deeper divides in the relationship.
“People don’t respond to being told what they should or should not do, and we want to focus on what is within our control in this one,” she says. “Recognize that behavior isn’t going to change and we can accept that, or we need to address the behavior in the moment in an assertive way.”
Practice what you’ll say — your boundary statements, Dalgleish calls them — ahead of time. These should focus on what’s in your control. If you have a good relationship with your mother-in-law and she values your opinion, you might be able to say them yourself in the moment. If your relationship is strained, Dalgleish recommends that your partner be the one who states the boundaries. For example…
- Your MIL doesn’t agree with your parenting choices of late and decides Thanksgiving dinner is the right forum to hash it out. / “This isn’t something we’re willing to discuss.”
- Your MIL offers unsolicited parenting advice. / “Thank you for the suggestion; we’ve got this. Anyway…”
Step 3: Adjust
Adjusting happens after you leave the event. Maybe you had to address some weirdo behavior of your MIL’s in the moment, or maybe, somehow, this holiday event went off without a hitch. Either way, recap with your partner when you have a quiet moment together to debrief.
“This is about helping you repair and to feel close again, because oftentimes what happens is we have these hard family events, this tension builds, and then we don’t come back together,” Dalgleish says. “After carrying out your action plan, talk about how things went and adjust that plan for next time. The goal in this conversation is not to be blaming — so not to say things like, ‘Your mother always does…’ — but instead to be curious and reflective together.”
So, instead of focusing on how awful your MIL was to be around, emphasize what that event felt like for you and what you want to feel like next time you’re together. Acknowledge what you both did well and how you showed up in the right ways, she adds. (More often than not, we resort to only talking about the ways our partner left us hanging.) If your partner didn’t totally hold up their end of the plan — let’s say a guilt-tripping comment from your MIL evaded your spouse’s notice or went unaddressed — talk about that and what might be getting in the way for them or how they can show up differently next time, Dalgleish says.
Your partner could also take this opportunity to debrief with their mom. “Is it about a phone call with mom and saying, ‘Hey Mom, what was really hard about this event was that we asked you not to give candy and you did and that didn’t feel good, and next time, can you please not? There’s always room to set boundaries even after an event,” she says.
Here’s how it might look in practice.
Let’s say your partner’s family is majorly into Christmas. Every year, you and your spouse are always at their home from Dec. 24 through Dec. 27. But you’ve moved, so this year you’d have to fly there with your two kids, one of whom is still little and not sleeping well.
Assess how you’re doing right now, Dalgleish says. Ask yourself: What’s my stress level? How are the kids feeling? What do we need? What is my family about right now, and what matters to me? If what matters is bundling up both kids, traveling, and being with family, Dalgleish says that’s 100% OK. It’s also OK to decide to do something different.
“Then it’s about potentially him or you both communicating with his family, ‘Here’s what’s important to us,’” says Dalgleish. “I always say too to couples, give reassurance to your family. Mothers’ roles change when their children marry. And that role change can create a lot of insecurity and questioning of whether they matter. So when you are setting boundaries, give that reassurance to family and say, ‘You’re so important to us. We love having time with you. We can’t wait to see you again. Here’s what’s going to work best for us this year.”
If setting that boundary doesn’t go over well, it can feel like you did it wrong, or were wrong for deciding to do the holidays differently in the first place. Don’t go there, Dalgleish says.
“This is the moment where you feel tension and discomfort. Tension and discomfort is not bad. It’s unfamiliar. This doesn’t mean it’s a bad choice; it means that my values right here are bumping up against each other,” Dalgleish says. “It means you’re a compassionate person that cares for others. It still doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong. They’re allowed to have their feelings, they’re allowed to be upset about it, and you get to make a choice that is best for you and your family.”
