How to let go of resentment on the job

No matter how much you like your coworkers, you’re going to have some conflicts with them. Most of those conflicts involve differences of opinion or approach. A colleague may do something that irks you or causes difficulties for the work you’re doing. While those conflicts may lead to tension for some period, you typically get beyond those difficulties and may even wind up with a closer relationship to them later.

But, there are some colleagues where anger hardens into resentment. That can cause real workplace problems, because you’re going to have to engage with that colleague which can get in the way of a project’s success. Plus, no matter how good you think you are at hiding your resentments, chances are your feelings for that person shine through in your engagements with them as well as your conversations about them.

Not only will those resentments make projects harder to do, they can also stand in the way of your success in your organization. After all, most promotions involve moving up in leadership. Companies like to promote individuals they think will bring people together rather than dividing them. Your resentments mark you as a source of division rather than unity.

So, how can you get over a resentment? After all, you can’t just wave a magic wand and have your feelings go away.

Talk it out

The best strategy for dealing with resentments is to talk about it with your colleague. When someone has done something that continues to bother you, it can be valuable to clear the air. Conversations like this aren’t always an option, but if they are the can be quite effective in moving your relationship forward (even if they are uncomfortable in the moment).

Invite your colleague out for coffee. Your colleague might be surprised by this invitation, because (chances are) they know that you are annoyed at them. Let them know that what they did, how it affected you, and why you are still upset about it. Before you have that conversation, you should actually practice saying all of this so that you have words to describe it clearly. Don’t wing it.

This strategy can be helpful for a few reasons. First, there are times where you say your grievance it out loud when practicing it and then realize that the problem here is you. That is, you may discover that you have been making a bigger deal out of something than it is worth. 

Second, there are times when the other party doesn’t realize the impact their actions had on you. This conversation may help them to better recognize the impact of what they do on others.

Third, this conversation is likely to help you to see the event from a different perspective. When you talk out a complicated interaction, you may find that the other person’s actions were completely sensible from their perspective, while you had been feeling like they had bad intent.

Forgive (and forget)

Another powerful tool for dealing with resentment is to forgive the other person. That resentment you’re carrying is fundamentally about your reaction to that person as a result of your reaction to them. When you see them or think about them, you are reminded of what they did, and the bad feeling wells up again.

When you forgive someone else, you are acknowledging what they did and the bad impact it had, and then you are accepting that action. Research suggests that forgiveness primarily benefits the forgiver. In particular, when you forgive someone, it dampens the negative emotions you experience later. It also makes some of the details of what the other person did less memorable. So, by forgiving the other person, you are taking an important step toward enabling that resentment to have less impact on your behavior in the future than it does now.

Look in the mirror

If you find yourself unable to talk with the other person or to forgive them, it is time to take a look at yourself. No matter how good a person you are or how much you strive to be a good colleague, you have probably had some moments where your actions harmed someone else. 

Because you like to think of yourself as a good person, you probably focus less on your bad moments than on your good ones. As a result, you may not remember some of the times that your actions had a negative impact on others. When you call to mind a few instances of your own less-than-stellar behavior, it can sometimes open you up to forgiving someone else.

It can be particularly helpful if you think about times that other people have forgiven you for something you did. Imagine what your life would be like if everyone resented you for things you did in your worst moments. Recognize that your own career and success is owed in part to the willingness of others to forgive you. 

Finally, just because you forgive someone or let go of a resentment doesn’t mean you have to trust them blindly. If someone has treated you badly in the past and you are not convinced that they are reformed, you should still be vigilant when you work with them in the future. You can be careful in your engagements with a colleague while still treating them cordially and respectfully.