I had this friend who would rarely answer my invitations to get together. Or she’d reach out to say how much she missed me and that she wanted to have lunch. But when I’d respond, asking what days worked for her, that’s where the conversation ended. After the fourth time this happened, I debated whether I should say something.
I knew I couldn’t complain about it if I was going to let it continue and expect a different result each time, but confrontation is hard for us all. I didn’t really want to deal with it, and it felt easier to tell myself maybe she’d come around one of these days if I kept trying. Or I could just ignore her if she messaged me. But neither of those options felt right.
So, I crafted a message and kindly told her that her habit of continually reaching out to me to get together, only to blow me off, wasn’t working for me. Being that explicit is not something I’ve done a lot of in my life, but damn, it felt a lot better than ignoring the situation or completely ghosting her. She didn’t respond, and the friendship has fizzled, but that’s OK. It made me realize that it felt freeing to say how I felt instead of consistently feeling let down by her.
That was the moment I declared this would be my “truth summer.”
No more sparing someone’s feelings only to sacrifice my own. No more acting like something wasn’t bothering me if it actually was. And no more diluting my personality or needs for someone else because I didn’t want to seem like too much. You don’t order your own fries and try to take some of mine? No, that’s not happening. I’ll speak up. We’re hanging out together, and you want to do something that I don’t? I’ll just say it and tell you to go without me.
A few weeks after this decision, I attended a party where people were discussing the state of the world and how horrible everything seemed. I left feeling terrible. So, when the same group of people asked me to dinner a few weeks later, I told them I’d only go if we could leave politics out of the conversation. Again, I was kind and told them it was totally cool if they didn’t want me to come along. They agreed to my terms, as it were, and everything was fine. And it felt so much better than being filled with dread that the conversation would veer into territory I didn’t want to tread.
As a single woman, I’ve also decided to apply truth summer to my dating life. Now, before I go out with a man, I tell them I’m looking for someone who leads a healthy lifestyle and doesn’t drink. It’s a new tactic for me; in the past, I’ve placed too much emphasis on attraction and adopted more of a wait-and-see approach with men.
That has never worked out for me, so I started saying exactly what I’m looking for before we have a date. I’ve also always struggled with going on second dates with someone I know isn’t right for me. So, when it happened recently, I straight up said no.
Believe me, the desire to just say yes in the moment and deal with it later is strong. I hate letting people down or coming across as mean. But honesty is actually the kinder way, even if you’re saying something the other person doesn’t want to hear.
So, I’ve declared this summer to be truth summer. I’m hydrated, unbothered, and respectfully telling it like it is. Care to join me?
