You never feel like a bigger piece of sh*t than when you snap at your kid. I’m guilty of it myself — harshly chirping “give me a minute!” when my little guy wanders in and needs help tying two monster truck toys together at exactly the moment the oven timer goes off and I’m straining the boiling water off the pasta. I know it’s just overstimulation, but also that I shouldn’t direct it at him, but maybe I’m also just a rage monster who is undeserving of his adoration — it can sure feel that way. A mom on r/Parenting shared a post that is so relatable and instantly brought me back to that sad place of realizing my kid heard all the subtext of my snappy comment.
Reddit user Usanasyaako posted in the r/Parenting thread about an interaction during which she and her 6-year-old daughter were cleaning up Legos. The little girl looked at her seriously and said, “You’re always mad.” “It hit me harder than I expected,” the mom wrote. “I realized she’s not wrong. She’s seen me yelling because she won’t get in the car, snapping when she spills juice, sighing when she asks for help right as I start cooking. It’s not anger at her; it’s just exhaustion that never ends.”
The poster shared that she works full-time and, like so many of us, comes straight home and launches into mom mode, and she’s got nothing left to give by bedtime. “But hearing her say that made me realize that’s how she’ll remember me if I don’t change something. I hugged her and told her I wasn’t mad, just tired. She said, ‘Then sleep more.’ I almost cried.”
Who among us hasn’t snapped at their kids, and even gotten the same sort of feedback at the end of a really hard week or month? The comments on the post are full of plenty of parents sharing similar feedback from their own kids, and how terrible they felt hearing it. My own son recently told me he tried to do a task on his own “so you wouldn’t get mad.” It makes you feel truly horrible to hear that this is how they see you, but it doesn’t mean you’re a horrible parent. The fact that your kid feels safe enough to say something about your anger means they’re not inherently terrified of invoking it. Some part of them knows you won’t wield it against them.
“What a wise daughter you have raised, and how safe she must feel with you to be able to express that to you! Now that you have realized, you can find ways to change it. You got this,” one commenter replied. “In my humble opinion, the most significant part of this story is that your daughter felt free to share with you how she perceived you, and she did it in a direct, non-judgmental, and mature manner. That is something that a lot of kids are not able to do, or they’re not allowed to do,” added another.
It’s important to acknowledge that most parents don’t want to feel like they’re running on fumes, as one commenter deftly acknowledged. “This is a part of a much larger trend where women in particular, although I am not excluding other caregivers, have been wholly betrayed by a society incapable of supporting and valuing their labor both inside and outside of the home… I wanted to remind you that this is a much larger systemic issue that many of us are feeling. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.”
So, while this post is a heart-wrencher that hit really close to home, it’s a reminder that we parents all have similar struggles. We aren’t alone. And once we recognize the need to work on something in our parenting, we’re able to apologize and move forward hand in hand with our kids.
