Your mother-in-law gave your kids soda again, even though you specifically asked her not to. Your close friend is still probing you for information about your mutual acquaintance’s divorce. Your coworker is being super passive-aggressive for unknown reasons. It’s just time for boundaries, boundaries for everyone. But what do you say if you’ve already set them, and these people keep crossing them anyway?
Boundaries are difficult to set sometimes. It’s important to remember that they’re not about controlling other people’s behavior — you don’t tell them how to act because, well, you can’t do anything about that. A boundary is a clear statement of how you expect to be treated, and your plan of action if things don’t go accordingly.
“When people think of boundaries, they often picture the big, dramatic ones like ending a relationship, quitting a job, or finally telling someone off — and sometimes those are necessary,” says Jessica Dorzek, licensed clinical social worker who specializes in nervous system regulation and author of the forthcoming book, The Power of Small. “But most boundaries aren’t loud or confrontational. They’re small, everyday decisions that protect your time, energy, and well-being.”
Certainly boundaries can be used to teach others how to treat us, like a pushy friend who judges your parenting choices or the one who’s always dumping her emotional labor on your doorstep. Maybe your family or the in-laws are demanding you spend time with them that you simply don’t have. But boundaries can also look like:
- Saying no to something you don’t have the capacity for
- Choosing not to engage in gossip or draining conversations
- Taking space when you feel overwhelmed
- Not responding immediately to texts or emails
- Not overextending yourself to manage someone else’s feelings
How To Set Boundaries With Others
For starters, don’t try it when it’s the heat of the moment or when you’re in fight-or-flight. “If you’re flooded, you’re more likely to over-explain, snap, or backtrack,” Dorzek says. “Take a moment to slow your body down — even one or two deep, steadying breaths can help. Then keep it simple: Be clear, be calm, and don’t over-justify. A therapist-approved boundary is less about saying it perfectly and more about saying it clearly without turning it into a long explanation or apology.”
“A good boundary is usually simple. Name what is bothering you, state what you need, and be prepared to reinforce it if necessary,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Saba Harouni Lurie, owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. “You do not have to address everything at once, but if there are boundaries you want honored, you will likely have to name them first. And unfortunately, sometimes just naming them is not enough. Reinforcing boundaries may take additional conversations and clear consequences.”
What To Say When Someone Crosses Your Boundaries
Let’s circle back to your nosy friend and soda-proffering MIL.
“A magical tip for creating boundaries is to use radical honesty when setting them. Radical honesty means stating a positive outcome that is obvious to you but may not be to the other person,” says Rachel Astarte, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
For example, she’d suggest saying, “I appreciate that you want to treat the kids. Since you know we don’t drink soda at home, let’s come up with an alternative. Otherwise, we won’t be able to visit as much, and we’d all be really sad about that.” Or, “I get that you want to talk about [the mutual acquaintance], but I’ve mentioned that I don’t feel comfortable. Let’s talk about something else when we’re together. I like hanging out with you, and I’d hate to not be able to spend as much time together.”
When someone crosses a boundary, it’s best to respond with something short and direct, Dorzek says. You’re not trying to win or prove a point; your goal is to make it clear what you will and won’t participate in. “You don’t need a long explanation to be taken seriously. Remember, the goal isn’t to sound perfect; it’s to be clear and consistent,” she says.
Dorzek, Lurie, and Astarte recommend phrases like:
- “That doesn’t work for me.”
- “I’m not available for that.”
- “I’m going to stop you there.”
- “We can agree to disagree.”
- “I’m not comfortable with that.”
- “I know you may not like this boundary, but I still need you to respect it.”
- “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.”
- “I’ve already shared how I feel about this.”
- “I’m going to step away from this conversation.”
- “You may not remember, but I told you…”
- “Hey, remember when I mentioned…?”
- “This is the second time I’ve reminded you that…”
- “Are you aware that you [boundary crossing] again, even though I’ve told you I don’t like that?”
- “If you can’t honor my request, I won’t be able to spend time with you.”
You could even start some of these phrases with someone to soften the blow, Lurie suggests. “For instance, beginning with a phrase like ‘With love’ and making sincere eye contact can signal that your goal is not to be harsh or create distance. ‘With love, if this continues, I’m going to step away.’ When you communicate a boundary with genuine care, it reinforces that your intention is not to punish, but to protect the relationship and create opportunity for more closeness.”
What if someone crosses your boundaries often?
Constantly having to reassert your boundary with someone tells you something is up in that relationship, Dorzek says. “Consistent boundary-pushing can signal an imbalance where one person’s needs or comfort are prioritized over the other’s.”
If you express a boundary to someone and they work to respect it over time, even if they slip up here and there, you know they’re capable of a healthier relationship dynamic, she explains. It’s those people who repeatedly ignore and push back on them that may not be willing or able to abide them.
“In some cases, it may mean the relationship has long relied on you being agreeable, overextending yourself, or avoiding conflict,” Lurie explains. “When you begin to change that pattern, there can be pushback. But if someone consistently ignores or challenges your boundaries, it can lead to exhaustion, stress, resentment, and a sense of being misunderstood or undervalued. In healthy relationships, there is space for honest conversations about needs and wants.”
The purpose of boundaries, she says, is to create healthier relationships “by reducing resentment and helping other people understand how to treat you with care and respect.” If making your boundaries known causes continued disrespect, it may be time to reconsider how much access to yourself you give the other party.
