I’ve always considered myself an extrovert. I don’t think anyone who’s ever met me would argue otherwise. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve picked up on what feels like a noticeable (at least to me) shift. Being in large groups and socializing often leaves me feeling completely wiped out, and sometimes canceled plans kind of feel like an unexpected gift. I get to stay home? And not socialize? Yay me! I’ve clocked it enough lately to wonder… wait, am I now an introvert?
Apparently, I’m not the only one questioning my status as an extrovert. “This is something I see consistently in my practice, especially with high-achieving women who have spent years being ‘the fun one’ and are suddenly wondering who they are when they’re not performing that role,” says Elizabeth Bodett Dresser, LCPC, founder of Still Oak Counseling.
In fact, the experts I reached out to all seem to agree that extraversion isn’t fixed, and it’s entirely possible mine has shifted. Here’s what that means, and why.
What does extraversion actually measure?
When you think of the term “extrovert,” you probably think of someone who “likes people.” It’s more than that, though. Many clinicians describe it as where you get your energy: from people and activity, or from quieter time alone. Dresser points out that, in personality research, extraversion is really about how you respond to stimulation and reward. “Introverts can enjoy the very same things, but they reach their limit sooner and recharge through quieter, lower-stimulation time,” she explains. “So the question isn’t really ‘do you like people?’ It’s ‘where does your energy come from, and what drains it?’”
And something that I hadn’t really thought about before but makes a ton of sense: “Extraversion actually exists on a spectrum,” clinical psychologist and personality change researcher Shannon Sauer-Zavala says. “Like a bell curve, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. This means we may look more introverted or extroverted depending on the situation.”
Can you be highly social and not be an extrovert?
Yep. “Being social is a behavior. Being an extrovert is about what that behavior does to your energy,” Dresser says, noting that you can be good at socialization but not necessarily energized by it. “Being good at socializing is a skill. Being energized is a temperament.”
Psychologist Dr. Lisa Pittman says a lot of the confusion comes from people thinking being an extrovert is the same as being an outgoing person (and, conversely, that being an introvert means being withdrawn or anti-social). “What distinguishes extroverts from introverts is that the extrovert gets recharged/energized from being around others, while being social drains an introvert, requiring them to have time by themselves to recharge their battery.”
Therapist Nancy Wilson breaks it down in an easy-to-understand way by comparing it to handedness: “It’s a lot like being right-handed or left-handed. I might be able to use both hands, but I’m gonna be much more natural with one than I am with the other.”
What are some sneaky signs you’re more introverted than you realized?
With all of that in mind, here are some tells that maybe you’re leaning more towards the introversion side of the spectrum these days.
1. You love making plans… but you also really love it when they get canceled.
“That wave of relief when a friend texts ‘rain check?’ is telling,” says Dresser. “If the anticipation feels like obligation and the cancellation feels like a gift, your energy might be coming from somewhere other than social time.”
2. You look forward to the part where you leave.
You came, you saw, you laughed, you connected. You had a great time! And yet, “the moment you’re alone in the car, your whole body exhales,” says Dresser.
3. You need dedicated downtime after a lot of socializing.
While “extroverts often come home from a party buzzing,” says Dresser, you may be leaning more introverted lately if you need a quiet day with no texts or plans to feel human again. Again, socializing may be costing you energy instead of giving it to you.
4. You’re the life of the party… with your people.
With your inner circle, you’re funny. You’re loud. You’re extra expressive. But are you noticeably quieter around strangers? Or new people? According to Sauer-Zavala, “That context-dependence is especially common when you’re somewhere in the middle of the extraversion spectrum.”
5. You’re rarely the one making the plans.
“Social skills and extraversion aren’t the same thing,” Sauer-Zavala says. “You can be charming, conversational, and comfortable with other people without having a strong desire to seek out social interaction.”
6. You get dubbed extroverted because you’re assertive.
Extraversion includes several components, assertiveness among them, Sauer-Zavala explains. “Someone can be confident speaking up at work or taking charge in a group while being much less interested in the social side of the trait.”
7. Your job can make you look more extroverted than you actually are.
The reality is some jobs require you to practice and participate in highly social behavior. Think about being a teacher, a salesperson, someone whose job requires them to be forward-facing on social media (*raises hand*). “What you’re capable of doing isn’t necessarily the same as what you naturally gravitate toward when you have a choice,” Sauer-Zavala says.
8. You have to hype yourself up before going out.
Maybe you blast your pump-me-up playlist. Or have a 1:1 with yourself in the vanity mirror. According to Dresser, “It may be because the outgoing version of you is something you step into rather than something you naturally are.”
9. You don’t like it when people look to you for entertainment.
You know, when it already feels kind of exhausting to go out and be social, it sucks to stand in a crowded room of people waiting for the funny, entertaining, life-of-the-party you to kick in. “If this role is making you feel resentful, that’s really good information,” Dresser says.
10. Mid-party, the snack table starts calling out to you.
Pittman says one big tell is shifting your focus away from the people around you to what you’re eating or drinking. Other tells include suddenly finding your phone fascinating, talking less, scanning for an exit, or feeling uncharacteristically short-tempered.
11. Your dream Saturdays look a lot different these days.
You used to live for a wild Saturday night out on the town, pouring yourself into an Uber headed home well past midnight. Now, Dresser says, maybe a truly restful Saturday “involves a book, your own kitchen, and maybe one person you love.” And instead of being squeezed around a table of eight in a loud, low-lit restaurant, you’d probably also prefer a long walk with one or two close friends. These are “often a sign that depth is feeding you more than breadth.”
Did you change? Or were you always this way and didn’t realize?
That sort of depends on who you ask (and possibly on you).
Some of the experts I polled believe the extrovert was never really you. “When a woman no longer needs to be the fun one for her family, or the connector at work, or the one who keeps everyone together, the role drops and what’s underneath becomes visible,” says psychiatrist Dr. Sarah Boss, clinical director at The Balance. “That’s not becoming an introvert; that’s stopping being an extrovert on behalf of other people.”
Dresser agrees that many of her clients confess some version of “I think I was always like this; I just never let myself admit it.”
However, other experts pointed out that research suggests personality can genuinely shift with time. Sauer-Zavala, whose research focuses on personality change, points to evolving priorities. You know, your 20s may have been a time when situations brought out extroverted behavior, i.e., looking for a partner or finding your career foothold. “If you now value depth over breadth, your behavior — and even your personality — may have naturally shifted over time, rather than you ‘discovering’ you were an introvert all along.”
And as I suspected, life stage matters too. Pittman says that hormonal changes, especially during times like perimenopause and menopause, can affect how much patience and energy you have for socializing. Just as major life transitions, like divorce or an empty nest, can reshape your social world. With all of that, age brings “less of a need to please others, so you don’t say yes just to please people.”
How can you handle it when people push back?
Personally, I’ve definitely experienced a bit of this and have been unsure about the best approach. “When you’ve played a certain role in your friend group or family for years, people get used to it, and change can feel like a loss to them even when it’s good for you,” Dresser says.
Her advice? Level with them and don’t over-explain. Try something like, “I love you guys, but I’m realizing I need more downtime than I used to.” Then toss out an alternative: “I can’t do the whole night out. I’d love to get coffee Sunday morning, though!”
When should you talk to a therapist?
There’s sliding around on the extraversion scale, and then there are deeper issues like burnout and depression which “can all look like ‘becoming an introvert’ from the outside, and they deserve care,” says Dresser.
How do you know? Well, a healthy shift usually feels like relief. A weight off your shoulders. Boss says you ought to flag it with a professional “when the shift feels less like relief and more like withdrawal, when it’s accompanied by persistent low mood, loss of pleasure, or a shrinking world rather than a quieter one.”
Dresser says she usually asks clients one simple question: Are you moving toward something, or away from something? “Moving toward is usually growth. Moving away is usually worth a closer look.”
