I’ve lived abroad for 8 years, and now too many places feel like home

• After nearly two decades living abroad, Amanda Molenaar no longer feels rooted in just one country.
• It also made relationships, a sense of belonging, and decision-making about the future difficult.
• At 38, after time back home, she plans to move abroad again to find a life that better matches her ambition.

After spending a good chunk of my formative 20s and 30s abroad, I lost my sense of home.

I was 19 when I took a break from my studies and spent a year and a half in South America, which kick-started my love for the continent and for living in a different culture. Since then, I’ve lived in Buenos Aires, London, Brasilia, and Rio de Janeiro, partly as a diplomat — a lifestyle that suited me perfectly.

I lived in all these places for relatively short periods, between 6 months and 3 years, and also often moved back to the Netherlands, where I’m from, in between. That meant a lot of change — and a certain permanent level of uprootedness — in the years that shaped me as an adult.

Most of my friends from back home stayed close to where they grew up.

Multiple countries started to shape me

I landed my first office job after finishing my master’s degree in London. So my introduction to the corporate world came with cultural differences, too. I experienced office politics through the British lens and navigated filing my taxes in a different system.

Three years later, after being hired by the Dutch Ministry of Foreign Affairs, I found myself in a completely new setting as a diplomat in Brazil.

I was building a life in another language, creating a routine in a new environment, and navigating systems that worked differently from what I was used to, both personally and professionally. I remember representing my country for the first time in Portuguese — a moment that highlighted that another world had become my new normal.

There were many other defining experiences that happened abroad: burnout, professional growth, deepening friendships, falling in love, living through the COVID pandemic, the death of a friend, and navigating break-ups. As I continued to reinvent myself, the places around me became part of who I was becoming.

I soaked up the input I was given. Each country I lived in helped shape the person I am today.

Home stopped being one place

Now at 38, I know “home” isn’t just one place anymore. Of course, I miss people and things from home when I live abroad: my friends, my family, efficiency, good cheese, all four seasons. But honestly, I miss other places just as much.

Home is the Netherlands, but it’s also London’s atmosphere. The nature of Brasilia. The streets of Buenos Aires. And much more. Home is all the places that shaped me over the last two decades.

While I feel incredibly rich to have had these experiences, it also makes life feel more complex. With friends around the world, my heart is scattered.

I’ve realized my question is not “where do I belong?”, but rather: “How do I choose between lives that all feel like mine?” It’s a question I’ve heard often from others.

I’ve been working as a life coach for expats for the last 4 years. The challenge for many isn’t actually missing home; instead, it’s learning how to navigate a life that no longer fits into one place.

It has also made dating more complex. I’m willing to settle down in one location for the right man, but I often question whether we could fully relate to each other because of our different experiences. It hasn’t been easy finding someone who sees life through the same lens and feels equally excited about exchanging the comfort of the known for new opportunities abroad.

Fortunately, I’m now in that kind of relationship.

I learned to become my own anchor

I’ve spent most of the past six years back home. It has been good to grow more roots in one place and be back when I unexpectedly lost both of my parents a few years ago.

But I realized this chapter has come to an end and that I want an environment that better matches my ambition and personality. In a few months, I’m moving to Mexico City. I’m very excited about making a new context my own again.

My own journey has taught me that staying steady in a global life is hard. It’s easy to want to move when the novelty wears off, and hard to choose when everything feels like an option. I’ve learned that I have to be my own anchor in a life with different homes.