Ask Scary Mommy is our weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).
Have you ever looked at your kid and thought to yourself: How did that person come out of me?? Maybe they got it from their other parent. Maybe some genes skipped a generation. But however it happens, it can be baffling. Your kid is just fundamentally different from you in some big way. And it makes it hard to relate, hard to understand, and hard to parent.
This week, the mom who wrote in is dealing with a big personality difference between her and all of her kids: she’s an introvert longing for some quiet family time playing Ticket to Ride and eating popcorn, and her kids are bringing an endless stream of people into the house for social marathons.
How can she find balance between the life her kids want and the life she wants?
How can she find peace among the chaos that her kids bring home?
And how can she feel like she’s getting some quality alone time with her children?
Let’s start by hearing directly from her.
Dear Scary Mommy,
I have four kids who are extremely social and extroverted. I… am not. They like having people over — friends, cousins, neighbors — and I need breaks. I also feel like we aren’t getting as much quality family time when we always have someone else hanging around. Help!
— Introvert Raising Extroverts
Dear Introvert Raising Extroverts,
First of all, our condolences. Being an introvert raising multiple extroverted kids sounds kind of like an actual curse. It’s a difference in lifestyles, and yet you all have to live your lives together, 24/7. Your ideal night, which might involve watching a movie cuddled on the couch or sitting by the fire, is going to look a lot different than your kids’ ideal night, which might be an all-out party.
You don’t mention how old your kids are, so we’ll keep the advice pretty general — and your mileage may vary. But the general points remain the same.
Communicate. First and foremost, this situation will only improve with open communication and honesty. There’s a difference between being a good sport for your kids and lying about how you feel to them. Your life is only going to get better if everyone knows the situation: Mom isn’t a people person. Mom needs quiet time to recharge. Mom can’t have people in the house all the time. It’s actually a good way start teaching your kids that people are different and have different needs.
Compromise. Things will only go badly if either party has to leave their comfort zone for too long. Try to break down weekends into times when your family is social and times at home when family time comes first and there’s some peace and quiet. And guess what? Balance is good for both introverts and extroverts anyway.
Be a good sport. You don’t want to force yourself to be a different person, but you can also try to push yourself to grow in some new directions. Maybe you start to find the joy in a specific social activity, or maybe you meet another introvert mom who is trying to survive raising extrovert kids. Maybe, at the very least, you can recognize the joy your kids get out of being extroverts.
Pack a survival kit. Even introvert moms without extrovert kids often find themselves in social situations that are too much for them. Be prepared! Get a big purse or take over part of the diaper bag and make sure you have things like noise-reduction ear plugs (or just some headphones will do in a pinch), a notebook, a library book or e-reader, a hobby project (I carry crochet) and some sunglasses (I swear they help reduce sensory overwhelm).
Those four things should set you on the right path — and make life feel a little more liveable even when your kids decide to have the entire neighborood over.
And our readers had some good advice (plus some funny advice!) too:
Learn from your kids. I’m in the same position and I’ve learned from my daughter to be more extroverted.
Communicate with them! Explain your differences.
I’ve found my kids are surprisingly accepting of the way we are. Explain your feelings.
Take Mommy Time Outs — and have a safe word for when you really need some time.
Be kind. There’s nothing “wrong” with you or your kids.
Own it. Tell people you are more reserved and your kids are your “publicists.”
Let them do the talking and just smile.
Make time for yourself to decompress after social events.
Sit on the edge and watch the other moms — you’ll start to notice other moms who prefer the edge too. Find them!
You’ll be surprised how many other moms are like this. Give yourself and others grace and space.
Fake it for your kids — but find time for yourself after social time is over.
Don’t teach them your phone number or they will literally shout it from the car window at drop off!
Always carry a book!
Put them in theater!
— Scary Mommy
Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.
If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!
