There’s something really wild about how much shifts in parenting when your kids become teens. While you’re still driving them places, helping them study, and buying them new clothes, they have this whole life outside of you — especially when it comes to their friends. Now, when they get invited to a birthday party, you’re not worried about making sure they get a nap in before or asking them a million questions about who the kid is; you’re just dropping them off at their bestie’s house and telling them to text you when they’re ready to be picked up.
But do you still help them buy a birthday present?
Birthday present etiquette is fraught with opinions and ideas. Don’t open presents at the party, do open presents at the party, don’t give any gifts — nobody wants more junk in their house, what are you, an idiot — of course you have to give a gift, and on and on and on.
But when it comes to teens, where you can be a little more hands-off with parenting, what’s the deal? One parent took to Reddit to ask this very question after noticing that her 11-year-old son received presents from all of his birthday party guests, but her 14-year-old daughter did not.
The original poster (OP) wrote, “We just had two parties with two vastly different experiences, and now I’m very curious why. It’s not a greed thing — I’m just interested in social differences!”
OP explained that their 14-year-old daughter “did not receive any money or purchased gifts at all. There were two handmade things, like a small impersonal painting on cardboard, which was nice, but odd. There were six girls around her age, and some of them are part of wealthy families. We’ve also been to their birthdays before and brought gifts. While this party was at our house, they ate, painted pots, planted succulents, did a little spa day, and had goodie bags,” they wrote.
On the other hand, their 11-year-old son had a party at a bowling alley, invited six friends, and was met with enthusiastic gift-givers, begging their son to “open mine first!” and generally being excited about giving a gift.
OP wrote, “I am SO happy for my kids that their guests showed up, they had fun, and they didn’t focus on gifts. They’re happy, I’m happy. I am not holding any malice for the gift-less kids or parents. I am just…. confused.”
Is this a boy vs. girl thing, OP wondered? Or maybe something about the ages of the kids?
Honestly, I guess I’m with OP a bit. It would seem weird to me if my daughter invited a bunch of her friends to her birthday party — and at 14, I’m assuming if you’re inviting just six friends, these are the best friends she has — and didn’t receive gifts. Then again, I would just assume someone didn’t have time to get one, forgot to grab one, or simply doesn’t have the funds.
When the Reddit comments rolled in, lots of parents felt the same way. But there was one theory above all: teens just being teens.
“In my experience, at that age, it’s a ‘your presence is the present,’ and the girls are just happy to spend time together celebrating,” one comment read.
“I think it’s the age, teens many times are responsible for managing their schedules and social interactions. Could be that parents didn’t even know they were coming to a party, or by X age they are responsible to get gifts for friends’ parties or they’re only getting gifts for bigger parties (sweet sixteens),” another commenter wrote.
“Parents tend to be more hands-off with teens as well. The 11-year-old’s parents almost certainly purchased the gifts. The 14-year-old’s probably told them to take care of it, and they… well, didn’t,” another parent added.
Several other comments pointed out that, at this age, sometimes the gift is something like a homemade friendship bracelet, a bag of candy, or a little trinket. It’s not always a big gift or even wrapped.
And when you think about it, buying for a friend’s birthday feels like something else a teen parent might need to plan and budget for. Much like letting your teen have a hygiene allowance or “fun money” to spend with their friends, maybe there needs to be a set limit given to teens every time they get a birthday party invite so they can buy a gift.
Or maybe we just need to let teens do their own thing.
Several commenters asked if the parents of the other party guests actually knew it was a birthday and not just a hangout, but that again brings up just how much parents need to be involved in their teens’ lives.
“At 11, I was still the one prodding my kids to remember gifts. At 14, I’ll remind them but I’m frequently told they’ll figure it out on their own. And I’ve noticed that it’s more common for teens to gift something they’ve made, if anything. So… this seems normal to me,” another added.
Especially since OP’s daughter was happy with her birthday party and unbothered by her friends not bringing her a gift, I think it’s safe to assume this was just something that happened. Different teens may have different ideas around birthday presents — and clearly different parents will do different things — but when you think about how many teens struggle with feeling alone, I think having a fun birthday party where their six closest friends showed up is the best present of all.
