When I started my first company, the only feedback my team ever got from me was praise. I was too scared to be critical.
This was in the 2010s, when you couldn’t go a day without seeing a headline about millennials and how we coddled we were. Leaders claimed that they had to walk on eggshells around us, fearing that if they gave the “participation generation” anything but praise, we would quit.
As a leader of millennials myself at the time, it felt like there was some truth in that. But it wasn’t because we were coddled. It’s because we weren’t taught how to give or receive feedback.
I was a millennial in my mid-twenties, and I had no idea how to talk to my team when they didn’t meet my expectations. So instead, I became their biggest cheerleader and hoped they would figure things out on their own.
Eventually, my habit of avoiding feedback became a problem I couldn’t ignore. I looked around one day and realized I was leading a team that lacked accountability, thrived on gossip, swept issues under the rug, and shared their frustrations only after they resigned. Something had to give.
Everything changed when I took a communication class from Barry-Wehmiller University (now Chapman & Co. Leadership Institute). I learned so much about how to communicate, including some incredibly valuable feedback methods that I still use and teach today.
I shared everything I learned with my team, and it completely changed our culture for the better. We started having difficult conversations face-to-face instead of via text. We committed to giving feedback promptly so frustrations didn’t fester. Hearing someone say, “I need to give you feedback,” began to make us feel more curious than fearful. Our retention rate rose to a level that defied the odds of our industry.
Today, nearly 20 years later, I lead a different, much smaller company, but our culture of feedback hasn’t changed. Having a shared understanding has helped us work through immense challenges and come out even stronger and more trusting.
These days, I work with leaders and teams to create cultures of open communication. I hear the same things about Gen Z that I used to hear about my own generation: They struggle to receive honest criticism; they claim to want instant feedback and then have trouble receiving or taking action on it; they’re glued to their phones and can’t talk face-to-face, etc.
But I don’t buy it. Based on my own experience, I believe that the issue isn’t with Gen Z or any one generation in particular. It’s that we don’t teach people how to give feedback compassionately and productively, receive it openly, or build relationships rooted in transparency and trust.
If we want people to get more comfortable with feedback, we need to give them tools that will help them. Here are some of the things I’ve done to build a culture where people of all generations can speak openly and honestly with one another.
1. Make feedback training part of the onboarding process
We can’t just assume that people know how to have constructive feedback conversations. But when we give them the tools, we can hold them accountable for using them.
I suggest choosing a feedback method to use as a team that can become your “feedback language.” Then, teach it to every person during the onboarding process. In my company, the methods we love are the FBI, which stands for Feeling, Behavior, Impact: I felt___, when you___, and the impact was ____; and Keeps and Considers, where you tell the person what you want them to keep doing and what you want them to consider doing differently.
When everyone commits to using the same method, everyone knows what to expect from these conversations. Having a formula to follow can help leaders have more productive conversations, too.
2. Commit to feedback within 24 hours
To create a culture where people address issues promptly, commit to giving feedback within 24 hours of an issue arising. This goes for everyone on the team, not just the leader. The 24-hour guideline builds trust because it helps ensure that people aren’t left wondering where they stand with others. Sticking to it means airing out issues before they can grow and holding people accountable to leaning into hard conversations they would rather put off. I call it a guideline and not a rule because sometimes, you might need more than 24 hours to collect your thoughts and get in the right headspace to give feedback. But if you need to let more than 24 hours lapse, I recommend giving an explanation for the delay, to maintain trust.
3. Set communication norms
When we implemented feedback methods in my first company, we decided that we would no longer give feedback or have difficult conversations via text messaging. Words can convey only so much; in crucial conversations, tone of voice and body language really matter. If the goal is to build trust, then we need to give these conversations the time and intention they deserve.
Today, my team works remotely, so our ability to chat in person is limited. We’ve worked hard to build a high level of trust, so we feel comfortable using the next best thing, which is video or voice chat. If you talk to the people you work only through texting, you miss out on important context, and you risk eroding trust.
4. Give people feedback about how they give and receive feedback
Even with proper training, people will still struggle to give and receive feedback. And guess what? We’re allowed to give them feedback about that! I recommend that you don’t do it in the heat of a feedback conversation gone wrong. Instead, carve out a separate time to meet. Addressing it FBI-style could sound like, “I feel at a loss when you respond defensively to my feedback. The impact is it makes me want to withhold feedback from you. Can you help me understand how I can change my approach so that our feedback conversations are more productive?”
When you feel frustrated with someone’s defensiveness or even the way they give feedback, lean into empathy. Remember that most people are doing the best they can. Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding accountability. Give them feedback about how they come across.
Examine your relationship with feedback
Our past experiences come with us to work, and they often influence our behavior. For example, maybe we’re too direct because we learned from a caregiver who was too direct with us. Or maybe we avoid feedback conversations because we fear conflict.
Before we point fingers at anyone else—like an entire generation—we must find the courage to face ourselves. Consider: Where did you first learn about feedback and conflict? How has that influenced your communication style? Where are your opportunities to grow?
If we want to make open feedback the norm, we must be willing to take ownership of what’s holding us each back.
So, does Gen Z have a feedback problem? Yes—just as much as any other generation. But it’s a problem we can overcome by teaching people how to build cultures of trust and open communication . . . and we can do it together.
