You can bet hundreds of thousands of consent conversations between moms and sons have happened this week across the country. “No means no” and “what would you do if” example scripts have infiltrated my social media feed from parenting influencers and regular moms alike.
But we have to ask: Didn’t 57 sets of Cornell parents have this same conversation along the way? And yet.
The level of denial is incredible. Parents tsk tsk-ing at the evil other boys are capable of, acting as though their own sons would never be capable of such an egregious act. Parents who “just know” their sons would be the one who would’ve stood up and said “wait, this is really fucked up guys.” Or even called 911.
And yet, in a room of one of the most elite and highly educated students in the country, not one of 50 spoke up when the group chat said “free pussy” was upstairs or when another asked around 2 am if the “shop was still open.” One member of the SnapChat conversation allegedly said, “…you can walk in and whip it out rn.” The result was a seven-hour gang rape of a drugged 20-year-old woman.
And you know what? I’m working really damn hard to raise four sons that make rooms feel safer when they are in them. But I would never assume that my job is done and that now they are ones that would stand up to that level of peer pressure in a “brotherhood” setting. Maybe none of us should assume that.
So, I reached out to parenting experts and psychologists to ask the question so many of us are asking ourselves: How do we raise young men with the strength to say, “this will not happen on my watch” — even if they are the only ones who speak up? Here’s what they said.
Stop quizzing them — but have the conversation
Parenting influencers, such as Jamie Mercer, do a great job of asking the tough questions and openly discussing topics that teens will see online. In a recent post she puts her own son verbally in the Cornell situation, and asks, “What would you do?”
This is a helpful start, but experts say parents might not realize what they say they’d do in a role play and what they’d really do, especially intoxicated and in the throes of “brotherhood” pressure, are different things. Instead, or in addition, Jennifer Fink, author of the book Building Boys and mom of four young adult men, says we need to zoom out slightly to the bigger issue.
“We have to be explicit with our boys. We need to tell them that it is a very, very bad idea to get sexual if they have been drinking (or if the other person has). That the best thing they can do when their buddies have been drinking is get them home to bed, instead of buying or encouraging more shots. And then we have to be realistic with ourselves,” she says. “We have to be willing to talk about the messiness of relationships, of sex, of humans, or partying on campus. We can’t make it sound easy because it’s not.”
Instead of taking a “you better not” approach, she recommends bringing up the optic as a news story, and doing more listening than talking. This approach often works with my own four sons.
“Ask what he’s heard. What questions he has. Encourage him to be true to himself. His values. Reiterate that he can call you anytime. Perhaps talk through plans: what he can do or say and who he can call if he’s ever in a situation like that,” Fink says.
Focus on raising “connected” men
Josh Jonas, psychotherapist and owner of The Village Institute in New York, and creator of Punk Rock Therapy podcast, says the real way to build men who stand up for others in tough situations is to raise “connected” men.
He says what happened here likely wasn’t “a guy problem” but rather a “weak human problem.” And weak, disconnected humans get “sucked up in a mass movement.” He points to Eric Hoffer’s book, The Power of Mass Movements, which discussed how people go from an “I” to a “we.”
“The worse you feel about yourself, the less purpose and meaning you have, the more you’re going to gravitate to a movement that [promises] to deliver you to a ‘better place,’” he says — in this case the “better place” is a feeling of acceptance in spite of the violence.
The antidote? Raise authentic and connected men. “We want to teach him that there’s a good version of him being a good, powerful man,” Jonas says. When a boy or man feels connected to their own values, their family, and their sense of self, they are more likely to risk it all to do the right thing, knowing they will lose friends, be harassed or worse.
Deeply consider how you educate young men on fraternities and peer pressure
In hazing cultures in some fraternities, Jonas says, “you’re not seeing the outside world. Everything is about the stuff they do and having each other’s back. They break you down until you feel like a piece of shit, then build you back up in the image of the group,” he says.
Nearly half of college kids join fraternities specifically for the parties, YouGov reports, and nearly 40% of people surveyed feel fraternities have a negative impact on morality.
“Stepping outside the man box can feel like crossing a war zone,” says Jake Stika, CEO and Co-Founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian non-profit actively working to change how the world views and thinks about masculinity. “Being an ally should cost you something – time, energy, social standing. We should say that out loud. It’s also an investment in the community and relationships we want. Naming the cost ahead of time helps, because it keeps young men from being caught off guard. And one person speaking up often makes it easier for the next.”
Jonathon Reed, Director of Impact at Next Gen Men, says fraternities are their own subculture, which can be an opportunity with intentional conversation around “competition, domination, loyalty, silence.” He encourages fraternities to identify what their values will be and how they look different from the stereotypes of masculinity and Greek life. Parents can also help kids identify fraternities that display these identities.
Teach both “do no harm” but also “interrupt harm”
“Not to do harm requires self-awareness and a sense of own values and what that looks like in practice. Interrupting harm takes courage and awareness of tactically how to do so,” says Reed. They teach the following specific steps as ways to interrupt harm parents can use. Other versions of the best way to intervene exist as well from various groups.
- Distract
- Delegate
- Document
- Direct
- Delay
One specific instance they teach about is being in a “toxic group chat” — a scenario most boys they work with have been in. They developed a session called “where do you draw the line,” which helps kids talk about what to do if something is funny but also harmful, for example. They teach, “What does it look like to say something that is true to them, that isn’t completely performative, and figure out how to respond.”
Help them build their definition of “a great man”
Jonas points to the quote from Goethe, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being.” For many sons, particularly high-achieving Ivy League university attendees, they’ve been trained to be high achievers at any cost.
But Stika challenges parents and those who work with youth to broaden the definition of what it means to be great.
“Tell young men we expect them to be good men, even great men. That doesn’t have to mean CEO or president. It means being a good partner, neighbor, and frat brother, and having a positive impact on the people around you.”
