It used to be that my friend Kristin had a vague sense of how her husband’s day went. He’d come home with a story to share or sometimes he didn’t. Sometimes he seemed annoyed, and when he was in one of those moods, she didn’t press. They’d kick their feet up, pour some wine, and talk about the upcoming weekend.
Now they both work remote and all of a sudden, she knows a lot more about her husband’s day. “I know how many times he’s opened the fridge,” she told me recently. “Seven times. Seven times before lunch.” She wasn’t angry when she said it. “I love him,” she said. “But I don’t know that I was meant to know this much.”
You’re seeing too much
I’ve been thinking about Kristin and her fridge for weeks. Working from home hasn’t just changed the way we work. It has also changed some marriages in ways no one expected. Couples used to have built-in distance. Before you got home, there was space to think about your partner, miss them, and feel grateful. These days, couples are with each other all day. They see each other’s stress spirals, doom scrolling breaks, things they said in meetings that bothered them, emails that didn’t make sense, phone calls they wish they could re-do. It’s a level of intimacy we never asked for. For some, it’s endearing. For others, it’s a lot.
You used to get the best version of your partner when you walked through the door. But now you get the full, unedited version all the time. Little annoyances you never knew about build up because you’re around to hear them. Your partner is everywhere you are and it’s absorbed into your day. It can change how you see them.
The who does what debate
And when you are both home all day, you will need to renegotiate who does what. When one of you used to leave for work, a lot of things were just decided by that dynamic. One person handled what was happening at home. It wasn’t always fair, but it was clear. Now, it’s not clear at all. You both are there, both have jobs, and both look busy. So, all day long, there’s this unspoken conversation. Do they look more slammed than me? Who’s dealing with the laundry? Should I figure out dinner, or will they?
You lose the space between you
There’s another issue that is harder to name. You lose a little bit of mystery. When you worked in different places, you didn’t know the details of each other’s day. You asked about it and shared stories. That back and forth was a kind of connection. Now, you already know that important meeting went badly because you heard it through the wall. You know they are overwhelmed because you are watching it in real time. There’s less to share at the end of the day, less curiosity, and fewer moments to discover things about each other. And that matters more than we think.
Research on relationships shows that small moments of curiosity and having genuine interest in someone’s day help keep a couple feeling close. Feeling consistently cared for isn’t about big gestures. What matters more is the daily habit of turning to your partner and saying, “Tell me what happened,” and waiting to hear the answer. When you already know everything, those moments may start to disappear.
Create the break
So, the question is, how do we still show up for each other when nothing feels new? The answer is: you have to create a little distance on purpose. Work in different rooms if you can; Take solo breaks to go outside; try not to eavesdrop; occasionally make plans to have lunch or take a coffee break away from home. And when the workday comes to a close, take a walk together, shut the laptop when chatting, ask about each other’s day even if you think you know the answer. It’s not really about knowing what happened. It’s the act of sharing and creating moments of connection.
