My husband was an NFL head coach, but we raised our 3 kids with strict rules about money. Christmas meant just 4 gifts.

• Kiya Tomlin is married to Mike Tomlin, who coached the Pittsburgh Steelers for 19 seasons.
• It was important to her that she maintain some independence, including financially.
• Too many middle-aged women feel invisible until they embrace their strength and experience, she says.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kiya Tomlin, founder and designer of Kiya Tomlin apparel. It has been edited for length and clarity.

As the wife of an NFL coach, I was highly visible, but didn’t feel seen. I was always acknowledged as someone’s wife, and most conversations revolved around my husband’s career. Even our house guests and parties became obligations tied to football, not opportunities to genuinely enjoy connecting with people.

I am super proud of my husband and our three kids. But I’m more than just a wife and mother. When Mike and I met in college, I was planning to be a doctor until I realized a medical career wasn’t feasible, whereas Mike’s career could take him anywhere.

That’s when I started my fashion career. I’d been making my own clothes since I was 10, and fashion is a passion of mine. It was a career that I could schedule around the kids and do anywhere Mike’s job took us.

One of my best accomplishments is supporting other mothers

I was raised by a single mom, who was a community college professor. We didn’t have much money, and we were one of the few Black families in the New Jersey town where I was raised. I was also extremely small: in kindergarten, the other kids used to carry me on their hip like a toddler.

I never felt like I fit in, and part of that was because I couldn’t fit into or afford the clothes my classmates wore. That was problematic for me, so when I was 10, I asked my mom for a sewing machine. I started making clothes that looked like what the other kids wore, and over time I began making outfits that could help me stand out in a different way. That became my claim to fame.

Today, one of my proudest accomplishments is manufacturing my clothing at my factory in Pittsburgh. My six employees who work there are all moms. Creating a flexible work environment that lets them prioritize raising their kids while also supporting their family financially has been amazing.

Our family had an adjustment period after each season

As Mike’s career took off, football dictated everything in our lives. We built our family around that reality. During the season, Mike sometimes worked 20-hour days and slept at the training complex. Once he became a head coach, the hours were somewhat less intense, especially as technology improved. He could typically get home for family time on a Friday evening.

I handled everything related to the kids. It was important to me to maintain my independence financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

It wasn’t always easy. After each season, there was a period of reentry. I’d spent the football season being the sole boss at home, and sometimes the way I did things wasn’t the way Mike would do them. During those adjustment periods, I knew I had to relax, relate, and release.

We didn’t spoil our kids just because we could

When I was growing up, money choices were based on a distinction: is it a want, or a need? Because funds were limited, I usually got my needs met, but often went without things I wanted.

Once I was raising my kids — who are now 20, 24, and 25 — I didn’t have many external financial limitations. But I didn’t wait to raise spoiled kids, even if I could afford many of their wants.

Mike and I often reflected on our own childhoods and took a pretty bare-bones approach with our kids. On Christmas, for example, we followed the four gift rule: something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read. The first year of instituting that was tough, but the kids adjusted.

I’m excited to see where my strengths lead in middle age

Today, I’m 52. My kids are grown, and Mike is retired, which means I’m untethered from many of the obligations that I’ve had for the last 30 years. I have more freedom than I’ve ever had as an adult. I’m excited to have this room to grow. I want to see what I’m capable of, with everything I’ve learned along the way.

In middle age, women are finally at a point where we have experience, knowledge, and money. Yet, we’re culturally overlooked. That can make us feel invisible, even when we know better.

We need to acknowledge that we have this amazing set of strengths. We don’t need to chase our younger selves; we need to relish the fact that every experience, challenge, and skill we’ve gained has made us who we are today. That principle has guided me as a designer, and now it’s guiding me into the next stage of my life.