After her first child was born in early 2025, Maureen*, a recruiting manager based in the greater Philadelphia area, remembers the tears that came seemingly out of nowhere. “I was sobbing, like an absolute mess over everything, every little thing, for weeks,” the 37-year-old tells Scary Mommy.
One time, her husband spilled a tiny amount of milk on the counter when preparing a bottle. “I absolutely lost my mind,” Maureen says. While she describes her husband as a loving and supportive partner, the birth of their daughter definitely brought changes to their relationship. Maureen found herself having to explain to him how things should be done — how much to fill a bottle or the best way to fasten the diaper — even though as a first-time mom, she didn’t have all the answers either.
“I don’t know if he understood why I was doing what I was doing, but I felt like I shouldn’t have to tell him,” she says. “Things would just kind of get to a tipping point and keep boiling up, boiling up, boiling up, and then we would start fighting about something.”
Experiences like Maureen’s are actually quite common: Postpartum depression (PPD) doesn’t exist in a vacuum; it can spill over to a new mom’s other relationships, leading to stress and tension with her partner. Here’s what to know about the ripple effect — and how to work toward reconnection.
Why PPD Puts Relationships Under Pressure
Almost all new moms go through an adjustment phase in which so many things feel difficult, Caroline Dickens, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist based in California who specializes in perinatal mental health, tells us. “There are growing pains that come with that — your schedule is different, what you do with your time is different,” she says. “And so, of course, that is going to have an impact on your relationship.”
What’s more, some moms may not recognize what they’re feeling is PPD, which can exacerbate strain. Feeling down most of the day for two weeks or more is one of the hallmark signs of PPD, but there can be sneakier flags, too. For instance, “you may be really irritable to things that maybe wouldn’t have tipped you into an anger cycle before,” Dickens says — as Maureen noticed. And it’s common for moms to mask what they’re feeling or how much they’re struggling. As a result, their partners may not know they need extra support.
While relationship tensions can pop up anytime from the conception journey to pregnancy to postpartum, the postpartum period can be a particularly vulnerable time for couples, says Dickens. “In general, it’s just one transition after the next,” she says.
Transitions can be difficult because they introduce new variables and challenges into something that seemed to be working — or, at least, getting there. Going back to work, losing caregiving support, or sleep regressions or changes are all big ones that can contribute to strain between partners.
Relationship Strains Can Show Up In Many Ways
When both partners are exhausted and their brains feel overloaded, communication can take a hit, and misunderstandings can pop up. “That can make it hard to open up,” Dickens says. “It’s like, ‘well, they’re not going to understand anyway, so there’s no use in trying to explain.’”
Then there’s resentment, which is one of the things that surprises couples the most, says Dickens. This can occur when one partner believes they need to take on more of the care, or even the mental load of it — say, when the new mom is breastfeeding or pumping. Even with the most supportive and helpful of partners, it’s an “inherently kind of unbalanced phase” when that’s involved, Dickens says.
“[Pumping] consumed my mind for everything,” Maureen says. “I’d have to stop what I was doing and pump. I’d be worried about getting the milk home. And if we went somewhere with her, everything — the pump, the charger, the extra bottles, a way to warm the milk for her — would have to come with. I just had to plan everything, and I felt like he didn’t take that into consideration, like all of the things I had to plan in order to do anything.”
When new moms take this on, they may feel underappreciated or like their partner doesn’t quite grasp the gravity of what they’ve been doing, Dickens says. “And that can come with a lot of anger that many moms just don’t expect to be part of the dynamic.”
Finally, the isolation that comes with being a new parent can place a huge strain on the relationship, too. So can emotional withdrawal, or shutting down, says Dickens. Plus, it’s not only the birthing partner that can deal with symptoms of PPD — their partners can also go through a pretty difficult adjustment period, too. So you could have a situation where both partners are really struggling, says Dickens.
It also can be stressful for non-birthing partners to see their partners having such a hard time. “That’s a big emotional toll for a caring and attuned partner to see their partner going through something really hard and feeling like they don’t know what to do to help,” she says.
Support And Reconnection Can Help Your Relationship
Getting support for PPD — which can look like therapy, support groups, or any combo of the above — is huge, both for helping the new mom feel better and for opening the lines of communication within the relationship. Individual therapy can help moms “share more with their partner about what they’ve been going through and what they need,” Dickens says. And couples therapy can be an important part of the plan as well.
Finding “micro-ways” to connect can also strengthen the bond between partners, says Dickens. “These little moments make you feel like you’re on the same page, you’re looking forward to something together, or you’re on the same boat,” she says. “It brings you back to this feeling of ‘it’s us versus postpartum,’ not ‘you versus me.’’’
For Maureen and her husband, the process of house-hunting actually served this purpose quite well. “It gave us something unitedly to be angry about in terms of interest rates and what we were finding at the prices,” she jokes. “It was kind of funny, but we were bonding over it.”
And there are little things you can do throughout the normal day. “Whenever you have a positive thought about your partner, say it out loud,” Dickens says. Maybe you witness a sweet moment between them and the baby, or you come downstairs and notice they filled your water bottle or plugged your phone into the charger. Whatever it may be, verbalize it.
One thing to keep in mind, too, is that “this is a temporary season,” she says. And know that if you are getting the help you need and you and your partner remain attuned, the relationship strains will likely get better with time, especially when you’re past the acute postpartum period. “People do tend to find their groove with time even without making massive changes,” she says.
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