When you see someone you care about struggling, the natural inclination is to offer support. To help in some way. But you’re not sure what would help, so you fire off the text we’ve all sent a hundred times: “LMK if you need anything!”
More than anything, you just want your friend to know you’re there for them. She’s barely been keeping her head above water, so when you see her going under, you want to throw her a line. And that’s a truly lovely sentiment.
But she probably won’t respond to your open-ended message of support, and that’s OK. It’s not because she doesn’t adore you. She simply doesn’t have the capacity to do anything but keep treading water right now.
So, how do you help? What message can you send that won’t cost her any more precious energy, the one thing she doesn’t have at the moment? I asked experts for advice.
Why “let me know if you need anything” backfires
I’m going to hold my own hand when I tell you this (because I also need my hand held while hearing it): Kindness and helpfulness aren’t necessarily the same thing.
“‘Let me know if you need anything’ is one of the kindest text messages someone can send,” says licensed therapist Natalie Thomas, founder of The Remix Center in Dallas. “However, it is one of the hardest messages to respond to when you’re overwhelmed. When people are drowning, they don’t need another decision. They need a life raft.”
It’s literally hardwired into the brain. When someone is burned out or grieving or just barely holding it together for whatever reason, the nervous system shifts into survival mode. “When the brain is focused on survival, planning, organizing, and decision-making take a back seat,” Thomas explains. “Sometimes people are using all of their energy just to get out of bed in the morning.”
Licensed mental health counselor Lauran Hahn, founder of Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, explains it through a neuro perspective. During high stress, “we are operating more from the limbic system in our brains and less from our prefrontal cortex, so it’s oftentimes difficult to figure out what we need exactly in the moment.”
Translation? The part of your friend’s brain that could answer “what do you need?” has checked out. Not to mention, “whatever you need” is trickier than it sounds.
Grief therapist Dr. Shirley Shani Ben Zvi unpacks everything that phrase actually asks a person to do: figure out what you need, decide if it’s OK to ask you for it, work up the effort to actually ask, and then brace for the possibility that you can’t deliver anyway. “Your kind, well-intentioned suggestion creates decision-making fatigue,” she says. “Most of us cannot really do ‘whatever you need,’ which means that even though we mean the sentiment, in real life, these are empty words.”
And for moms specifically, there are systemic expectations layered into all of this.
“Women are taught, both implicitly and explicitly, to do it all. We are taught not to be a burden to others,” says Skye Ross, a licensed clinical social worker and perinatal mental health specialist. “Although you have offered help, you are still putting a struggling friend in the position of asking you for what she needs. A friend who is burned out doesn’t want to reach out or tell you what to do. They need you to demonstrate that you hear them and will take the initiative to help.”
What does that mean? Well, it means a more attentive approach is to make your message a statement, not a question. As Hahn notes, “many people struggle with accepting help, but if it comes in an assertive statement, it’s much easier to receive the support.”
Here’s what that actually sounds like.
The “I’ve already handled it” texts
This one’s the gold standard. You did a thing that she just gets to receive, so there’s nothing for her to manage.
- “Coffee’s landing on your porch in 20. Do not get up.”
- “Venmo’d you for takeout tonight. Feed yourself, please.”
- “Soup’s on your porch. Your favorite kind. Get it before the neighbor’s dog does.”
The pros did offer one caveat here: The “already handled it” approach works best when you’re sure it helps. Ben Zvi cautions against the 10th-lasagna problem, aka showing up with a casserole when she has no room left in the fridge. “Errands are as important as food,” she says. So, if you’re not sure a meal is the move, aim the same energy at a task, i.e., “Dropping by to walk the dog Saturday morning, don’t argue.”
Specific offers she can answer in one word
You know your friend, so you likely know when she’d prefer to have a tiny bit of input. Even so, try to keep it succinct. Make it a multiple-choice question with as few answers as possible.
- “Making a Costco run at 3. Diapers, wine, or both?”
- “Can I take the kids Saturday morning so you can nap/shower/stare at a wall?”
- “Pizza or Thai? I’m ordering to your house.”
Ross’s advice is to listen and watch for particular pain points your friend is dealing with. Does the thought of fixing dinner for her family leave her utterly depleted right now? Is she feeling lonely? Pay attention and then position your offer accordingly. “What’s a good day and time for me to stop by with coffees so we can catch up in person?” Ross suggests asking. Or maybe it’s “Can I pop by and help you meal plan for the week?”
You’re showing you’ve heard her *and* you’re trying to meet her where she’s at.
Take something off her plate
Sometimes the kindest, most thoughtful thing you can do is reach into the pile and remove one item.
- “Send me the birthday party you’re dreading. I’ll find three options, you pick one.”
- “What’s the email thing you said you’re dreading? Forward it to me. I’ll draft it for ya!”
- “Text me your grocery list. I have to make a run for our house; I’ll just get yours, too.”
In her new book, Of Course I’m Here Right Now: Three Actually Helpful Things to Say to Someone Grieving, grief coach Shelby Forsythia points to a method from grief educator Alicia Forneret: a “menu of your gifts.”
Instead of offering yourself up for any old task (and thereby dumping the burden of naming the task back on your friend), set a five-minute timer and focus on three things: “what you’re good at, what you love doing, and what you have time and energy in this season to offer.” Then, make a concrete, recurring offer from that list.
“For example, if you’re a foodie, you might offer to make a meal and drop it off at their house every Monday, taking any allergies or preferences into account,” writes Forsythia. Type-A scheduler? Block a standing FaceTime on your calendar. Love to drive? Claim vet appointments or extracurricular drop-off for the kids. Neat freak? Swing by once or twice a month to tidy up or run a few loads of laundry. “Your goal is to interrupt the story that your griever must survive this alone. Whatever small offer you can make that can pause that story, even momentarily, is a gift.”
The menu of gifts still works if you live far away, too. Just do things that can be done long distance, like making annoying phone calls or, if you’re financially able, covering a bill.
No-reply-required notes and permission slips
It could be that your friend simply needs to hear from you, with no obligation to respond. A gentle reminder that she hasn’t slipped under the water. And maybe she just needs permission to be a mess! Half of drowning is being weighed down by guilt, so try to encourage her absolution.
- “Read-and-ignore: I see how hard you’re working, and you’re not failing.”
- “You’re an amazing mom, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.”
- “You don’t have to be grateful or graceful right now. Just tired is fine.”
Thomas is a big believer in mirror texts: messages that reflect a person back to themselves when stress has left them unmoored. “When people are under prolonged stress, they stop recognizing themselves or giving themselves credit,” she says. “The confident person starts questioning everything. The dependable friend doesn’t know how to ask for help.”
The hope here is to remind her who she is. It can be as simple as “I’ve always admired how you handle hard things.” Just keep holding up that mirror until she can see herself in it again.
When you truly don’t know what to say
Maybe you find yourself in a moment when nothing really feels like enough. In which case, just say exactly that.
- “I honestly don’t know what to say, but I’ve been thinking about you and want you to know you’re not alone.”
- “I wish I had the right words to make this easier. I don’t. But I’m here, and I’ll keep checking in because I love you.”
- “Not going to pretend I know what this feels like. Just know I’m always in your corner.”
One final low-lift tip from Dr. Golee Abrishami, clinical psychologist and VP of clinical care at Octave Therapy? Pebbling.
It’s a term borrowed from penguin behavior, as they bring their favorite pebbles to the ones they love. For you and me, that translates to sending little somethings that show someone they’re on your mind: dumb memes, funny Reels, photos of memories. “It doesn’t matter how far you are,” Abrishami says. “You can still put a smile on someone’s face and show someone you care.”
The goal isn’t perfection. You were never going to say the thing that “fixes” everything. But you can be the text that makes her next hour or day or week lighter, and you can definitely remind her she’s not out there treading water alone.
