If being a parent, a husband, a man, a human has taught me anything at all it’s that communication is everything. Also, most of us suck at communication.
For once, our poor communication is not a product of big external forces — neither isolationist politics nor overcooked capitalism nor a failing of modern masculinity. We can only blame ourselves because, hey, communicating is hard. Getting your point across to a group, your nuclear family, or one single person takes practice and discipline, mistakes and learning. I don’t think we ever get it entirely right.
Well, most of us don’t. There are some communicators in this world that are … blessed. Jefferson Fisher is one such individual. Fisher is a Texan, dad, husband, and personal injury attorney who has made a name for himself through social videos that teach us all how to communicate better.
The videos offer pithy lessons like this: Instead of saying I disagree, “tweak it a little and say, I see things differently.” Why? “When you talk in terms of perspective, you find more connection.” Here’s another: “How I talk to my kids will affect how they talk to their kids.”
Simple, pointed, and poignant. You can see why millions tune in.
Fisher’s goal is to make people talk more and argue less. It says just that on the cover of his fantastic, practical, wonderfully written book The Next Conversation — a must read for all of us who strive to get along a little better with those around us.
We caught up with Fisher to talk about his new book and, naturally, anoint him as the latest Cool Dad. Here are some excerpts from our talk, including extras from the Cool Dad Questionnaire and his advice for the most important conversations you’ll ever have.
What’s one thing you wish your kids had today from your childhood?
Probably more of a reckless abandon about what they ate. I grew up in just every Little Debbie from Cosmic Brownies to … everything you could think of that was probably terrible for us, but we didn’t know any different.
What does your partner love about you?
I mean, this is my guess … I would say what Sierra loves about me is my steadiness. When things don’t go to plan, I’m pretty rock steady. So when there is something unexpected or the kids go into what we call their midnight madness, when it’s right there at bedtime and they’re absolutely losing their minds, that’s when I’m able to step in and I think I’m able to really notice when she’s overwhelmed, and take over.
And what do you think they maybe find annoying about you?
I mean, there’s lots. I’m trying to find a really good one like she finds the most annoying about me is sometimes I can be a little bit occasionally of like a party-pooper where the kids are just … all going nuts and I’m like, “Can we just not yell so much in our house?” So there’s that.
Probably the bigger thing she gets more annoyed about is my relationship with money. Its just money. So I’m the spender and so she is the saver. If it’s something that’s like, “Hey, but this would be fun, even though it’s not something we exactly need right now, but it would be a cool memory,” I think there’s a lot of that.
“Fatherhood… is a daily devotion to putting your wife, your spouse, your partner, your kids before you.”
What does fatherhood mean to you in our current world?
Fatherhood, with the caveat of doing it well to be a good father, I think, is knowing it’s a discipline and not a destination. It’s a daily devotion to putting your wife, your spouse, your partner, your kids before you. And it’s this idea of … are you inconveniencing them for your comfort or is it the opposite, are you willing to inconvenience yourself for their comfort?
There are times where it’s going to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be the one carrying all the bags all the time, but is it what my family needs in that moment in the airport? Yeah, that’s what they need. Can I do it? Yeah.
I got to say that the carrying bags all the time is a wonderful metaphor.
Yeah. You’re the one that is supposed to shoulder the heavy. So you’re supposed to carry what they can’t. I’m sure there’s a similarity to this phrase of to be what others cannot, you must be willing to suffer what others will not, and so it’s like that. To be the dad that others can’t, you got to be able to do what others won’t.
How do you better communicate with your partner in parenting? Do you think there’s ways that you, something that don’t apply, or do you follow the advice in your book and have great arguments and conversations with your spouse?
I wouldn’t say there are things that don’t apply. I would say what it would need to go deeper on is the theme of repair specifically. So you could have the mindset of arguments and that’s something that’s very helpful. There’s the idea of saying things with control, meaning be regulated and knowing when you need to take that timeout, and using the pauses. But the turn the book doesn’t make with regard to marital relationships is repair.
We are talking about words of affirmation, affirming somebody’s feelings, being able to take ownership of your words and what that actually sounds like … how to truly use words of empathy and affirm how they feel, how to say things that are going to bring. We hit on connection in the book, but more in the way of framing non-relationship conversations.
In repair, there is a lot of something as simple as, “Yes, I said that. Yes, I did that. I absolutely can see how that would have frustrated you or upset you,” or “I think it’s totally reasonable for you to feel this way. I don’t blame you for being upset about that. I could have done that better.” And then how to actually, words of apology, how to repair after a rupture, that to me is, that’s a whole different ballgame, whole different set of skills.
“There’s a difference between [that and] saying, ‘How are you and how’s your heart?’”
What do you think about checking in? I’m wondering where that falls in the communication line. It’s maybe a little bit of the repair, but is that an important thing to do or how do you feel about just what a felt of unspoken understanding between family?
There’s an element that my wife and I do and that’s check-ins and check-outs. I mean, it’s what we call them, things that we do in the morning and things that we do in the evening. Otherwise, there are times you may never talk to your spouse in the day and you know what that’s like. Before you know it, you’re just two people, somehow there’s a woman who lives with me. I don’t know who she is, but she’s here and you can be roommates that way if you’re not checking in with each other. The other is that unspokenness of knowing when something is wrong and that you feel like you might be approaching things from a different vantage. I like asking the phrase, “What’s coming up?” “What’s coming up for you?”
Instead of me saying, “What’s wrong with you” or even, “What’s up with you?” That tends to get a pretty defensive response. But if I say something as simple as what’s coming up, there’s a difference between [that and] saying, “How are you and how’s your heart?”
