Social media may not always be a good thing, but one thing we can say for it: We’ve actually learned a lot about relationship dynamics over the years, for better or worse. It’s introduced us to terms and tactics we maybe didn’t have the words for before, and the latest example (for me, at least) is DARVO.
I first saw it in the comment section of a video that has since gone viral, racking up over 11 million views. In it, a mom tells the story of how, a few years ago, her son admitted he didn’t feel safe at his uncle’s house. She believed her son, but also gave her brother the benefit of the doubt. At a family gathering, though, she witnessed her brother grab her young son and yell in his face. She calmly pulled her brother aside and tried to talk with him about it.
First came the excuses. Then he fought back tears before getting big, defensive, angry. And by the end of it, he had completely flipped the story: She was the one who made him feel unsafe.
It didn’t take long for the comment section to light up with people pointing out that this woman’s brother had run a near-textbook version of a manipulation tactic known as DARVO. A term just as many of us were learning for the first time, right there in the replies.
If you aren’t familiar with it but the brother’s behavior sounds uncomfortably familiar, here’s what experts say you should know about the term, including how to tell the difference between a truly toxic pattern and an isolated (but still toxic) disagreement.
What does DARVO mean?
A psychologist named Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term in 1997 to describe how some people respond when confronted about something they did wrong. Rather than take accountability for their behavior, they tend to counter with three distinct moves. First, they deny the behavior. Then they attack the person who brought it up. They round it out by turning it back on the person who brought it up, flipping it so that person looks guilty (aka the “reverse victim and offender” stage).
Often, it leaves the person with the original complaint apologizing.
Licensed family therapist Dr. Megan Oed gives a super-relatable example. You say, “You forgot to take out the trash.”
“In a healthy relationship, a response might be an apology or at least an agreement. In a DARVO response, the other person denies what happened and responds with an attack, i.e., ‘I didn’t forget. You forgot to remind me.’”
Now that the blame has shifted, they dig in their heels to make sure the reversal from victim to offender (and vice versa) is complete. “The offender may follow up with additional blaming statements like ‘You always do this to me,’ or ‘Nothing I ever do is good enough for you!’” explains Oed, adding, “Suddenly, the person who started with a valid complaint or criticism is being accused of the wrongdoing.”
Granted, this is a mild example, Oed notes, “but it can help us see how this same pattern could be used to avoid admitting an abuser has caused real harm to their partner.”
Is my partner secretly a monster, or…?
It’s hard not to hear this and start replaying every past argument you’ve had with your partner through a new, more critical lens. And, you know, the internet would love to see all of us skip straight to “narcissist.” However, the experts are more measured in their diagnosis on this point, and what they have to say is worth reading twice.
I mean, yes, DARVO “can happen in any relationship, even friends and co-workers,” points out Oed, especially when someone feels criticized, guilty, or called out.” DARVO came out of research on abusive relationships, though, and it’s usually part of a bigger pattern.
As Oed puts it: If it’s happening frequently and it’s stopping you from making reasonable asks of your partner, that’s a problem. If it happens once in a while and you’re both able to catch it and try again, it’s probably not a sign of anything more serious.
Marriage and family therapist Laurie Wilson of Rize Counseling suggests that, before you diagnose your partner as an abusive narcissist, some introspection is needed. Be honest about whether you might just be looking at two people with clashing communication styles and unhealed baggage.
In Wilson’s own marriage, she says, a fight can technically hit all three DARVO beats, “but not because he is manipulating the situation or gaslighting me.” He simply avoids and waits; she wants to talk it out immediately. “Neither is right or wrong,” she says, “but both of us need connection and to be able to communicate with curiosity, not contempt.”
In other words, sometimes it really is DARVO. And sometimes it’s behavior that overlaps due to differing attachment styles (an anxious person and an avoidant person can have the same argument for… ever) or other factors.
It goes without saying that it’s worth knowing the camp that you fall in, which is where a good couples therapist comes in clutch.
How do you spot it in the moment?
The tricky bit here is that DARVO happens so fast. A lot of us aren’t even able to clock it while it’s happening because of how quickly the ground shifts beneath us.
There are a few tells, according to the experts, and social worker Colleen Canyon says conversational whiplash is one of them. “You start by raising a minor concern, but within minutes, you’re the one in the hot seat defending your tone and past mistakes,” Canyon describes it.
A few other signs you might be on the receiving end, according to EMDR therapist and social worker Erin Gardner-Flores:
- You start wondering if you’re “making a big deal out of nothing.”
- You catch yourself second-guessing your own memory of what happened.
- The conversation somehow always circles back to your flaws instead of the issue at hand.
Canyon refers to the experience as “mental quicksand”: the reversal rewrites the facts so fast that your brain goes into overdrive trying to correct the spin, which is exactly what hijacks the conversation and puts you on defense.
It works on two levels at once: the denial makes you question your memory, and the reversal makes you question your character. That’s why so many people walk away from these conversations feeling foggy and a little crazy.
Does that mean the person is doing it intentionally? Not always, but experts are unanimous on the point that intent doesn’t change impact. If the pattern is consistent, it’s doing damage where it was intended to or not.
What can you do if it’s happening to you?
The golden rule, per Canyon? As tempting as it is, don’t take the bait. Instead, hold your ground and repeat your original point as calmly as possible. If things escalate, several of the therapists I spoke with recommended “gray rocking,” or offering brief, flat, unbothered responses such as “I hear you” or “I’m not going to argue about this.”
In the absence of an emotional reaction on your end, Canyon says, the loop “quickly runs out of steam and collapses under its own weight.”
The experts offered a few other approaches, too:
- Call out the redirect. Try, “Let’s stay focused on the issue I brought up,” or “We can talk about that, but let’s stick to one thing at a time.”
- Take a break. Oed suggests a clear, non-dramatic exit (for example, “I need a break, I’ll be back in 20 minutes”), then coming back and trying again.
- Look for any acknowledgment. Gardner-Flores says to stay grounded in the facts and pay attention to whether the other person shows any sign of hearing you. “Even a small acknowledgment of the concern is a good sign they’re open to it. If there’s none at all, that tells you something too.”
One crucial note: If the person has any history of violence or you believe they’re capable of turning violent, the advice changes.
Dr. Deborah Vinall, LMFT, mental health expert and author of Gaslighting: A Step-By-Step Recovery Guide, warns, “If the person enacting DARVO has a propensity toward violence, recognize that there may be no safe way to engage.” In that case, your safety comes before any communication strategy (more on that in a minute).
The part that matters most for parents
When you’re a parent, everything takes on added meaning and worry. And, as you’ve probably suspected, DARVO does affect kids.
“Children absorb lessons about conflict like sponges,” says Vinall. “What is modeled is trained.” Meaning, when kids grow up watching one parent deny, attack, and reverse, they may mimic that behavior.
According to Gardner-Flores, it tends to go one of two ways. Kids either “grow into adults who automatically shoulder the blame for any tension around them,” or “they learn the pattern themselves and start responding to feedback the same way.” Either path, she says, robs them of something essential: “the ability to hear ‘you made a mistake’ without it feeling like an attack on who they are.”
Kids don’t need parents who never mess up; they need to see us own it when we do. As Sheldon Cohen, LMFT, of Design for Recovery puts it, the most powerful thing a child can watch a parent do is say some version of: “You’re right, I did that, and I’m sorry.”
In a toxic relationship with an actual narcissist, that acknowledgment may never come.
Here’s where the stakes stop being about the quality of communication and really start being about safety. “If DARVO is part of a wider pattern of abuse,” says Oed, “watching one parent abuse another is a trauma,” and it’s one that threatens a child’s basic sense of safety in the world.
In that situation, the priority is no longer fixing the conversation; it’s protecting yourself and your kids. You don’t have to figure out how on your own, either. If at all possible, try to reach out (or enlist someone you trust to reach out) to a therapist or a domestic violence advocate who can help you architect a plan to leave safely. (Leaving is often the most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship, which is exactly why doing it with support matters.)
And if your child ever tells you they don’t feel safe with someone, believe them the first time. They may not know the terms floating around the internet, but kids often do know something is wrong before they have the words for it.
If you’re experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or online at thehotline.org.
